All Grown Up? How Did I Get Myself Into This?

I Am Autism

2008-04-07T13:00:00.001-07:00

"Hello. Allow me to introduce myself to you. My name is Autism. Perhaps you know me or know of me. I am a condition, a "disorder" that affects many people. I strike at will, when and where I want. Unlike Downs Syndrome or other birth "defects," I leave no marks on those I strike. In fact, I pride myself on the ability to infiltrate a childs life, while leaving him or her strikingly handsome. Many people may not even know that I am there. They blame the child for what I cause him or her to do. I am Autism and I do as I please.

I am Autism. I strike boys and girls, infants and toddlers. I find my best victims to be boys around the age of 2, but any child will do. I like children and they are always the true victims, though I take hostage the others in the child's family as well. It is a bit like getting two for the price of one. I affect one child and infect the entire family.

I am Autism. I strike rich and poor alike. The rich combat me with education and therapy. The poor shut their children away and cannot afford to fight me. I am able to win in the lives of poor children more than I am of the wealthy, but I will try to take root anywhere.

I am Autism. I am an equal oppportunity disorder. I like whites, blacks, Mexicans, Ukrainians, Russians, Poles, Slavs, Jappanese, Koreans and Fins. In fact, I strike everywhere on earth. I know no goegraphical bounds.

I am Autism. I do not discriminate based upon religon either. I strike Jews and Christians, Muslims and Buddhists, Atheists and Agnostics, Hindus and Rastafarians. I do not care what religon a person is or what beliefs he may hold. When I strike, there will be little time for any of that anyway. When they find me, they will question everything the believe in, so why would I strike any one group? I have affected followers of every religion on the planet.

I am Autism and I am strong and getting stronger every year, every month, every day, every minute, and every second. I am concerned that money might be alloted to combat me and my takover of children, but so far I have little to fear. Some countries, like Kuwait, are spending quite a bit of money to assist those who I have targeted and some, like the United States, would rather spend money on such ludicrous things as discovering the number of American Indians who practice voodoo, as opposed to combating me. In an atmosphere as that, I can flourish and wreck havoc at will. In places such as that, I rub my hands with glee at the problem I can cause to children, families and to the society at large.

I am Autism. When I come, I come to stay. I take the dreams and hopes of every parent and trample them with glee. I see the fear and confusion in the eyes of my victims and I see the formation of wrinkles, worries and ulcers and the pain on the face of their parents. I see the embarrassment their child causes because of me and the parents unsuccessfull attempt to hide their child and, me. I see tears and the parents cry and feel the tears of their child.

I am Autism. I leave sorrow in my wake. I am Autism. I taketh and give nothing but bewilderment and loathing in return. I take speech and learning, I take socialization and understanding. I take away "common sense" and if I am allowed to flourish, I take away all but their physical life. What I leave behind, is almost worse than death.

I am Autism. I fear nothing except courage, which I thankfully see little of. I fear those who take a stand against me and attempt to fight me and bring others into the fight as well. I fear those who try to make it safe and easier for my victims in the community, and their families. I fear those who push ahead, despite the fact that I am in tow. I fear the day that I will be eradicated from the planet. Yet, I do not fear too much right now. There is no need.

I am Autism and I bet you know me or know of me. If you don't, you probably will soon. I am marching forward faster than I ever have before. I am looking for new children all the time. I dread the day I will be looked on with pity, or worse yet, understanding, for that day, is the day I will begin to die. But, I don't think that will happen for a long long time though, do you? In the meantime, I prowl onward, looking to cause pain and suffering wherever I go. I have so much work to do and thankfully, no one is stopping me.

Hello my name is Austim. Perhaps you know me or know of me.................................

written by: Marty Murphy

Marty Murphy is an adult with Autism Spectrum Disorder who was born and raised in central Illinois.

With her personal insite and presentations on autism across Illinois, Marty has made a tremendous impact on how parent, teachers and administrators look at our children's

Human Torture On Youtube

2008-04-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

This might be the MOST annoying thing I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!! I would rather be locked in a closet for three weeks with "tyrone" and a bag of pixie stix than EVER have a 3 minute conversation with this person....
I found her when I was looking for clips on the pregnant man... and then I couldn't stop watching... its like poking a bruise... You have to keep doing it to see if it will be as bad as the last time.... WOW...

PS for someone that doesn't watch the L word... she knows an awful lot...

2008-04-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

This month is autism awareness month... I'm oddly excited. Or perhaps not so oddly as this is what is closest to my heart.

There are so many awesome things going on.

Heres a couple of my favs

CNN

The Autism Portrait

In My Language

The Night Of Too Many Stars

The Femmes prevail in the end...

2008-04-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

tonight I can't sleep. My tonsils are swollen and even the vicodin isn't knocking me out. So i've been up thinking... And browsing through friends myspace pages.

It amazes me... Looking back on all my butch friends... they were all hard core boi lovers, much like myself when we were younger and now they are all happier than ever... with femmes...

even my darling K... used to be a bois boi... but now all mine.

K posted a blog yesterday coming out at trans... I knew this was coming for a long time. yet I still have fears as to what will happen... Its where everything went so horribly wrong with me and asshole. I know that K is far from the man asshole was attempting to be... But I also know how T can wreak havok on the moods....

Tonight has just been one of those nights where so much runs through my head. Thinking about where i was 2 years ago.... 4 years ago.... 5 years ago... Never would I have thought I would be here now... I watched K sleep tonight and I was so shamelessly in love. and to think that 2 years ago someone accused me of running away to play house with K and predicted it would last a month... Yet instead we built a life together. We've made it through the good and the bad.

I've built a career. I've gotten my degree. I've come so far...

shit... I own practical proffessional shoes and have an entire office wardrobe... there are moments in all this that i barely recognize the person I become. and then sadly in the same moment I don't think that is such a bad thing. I realize how lost and lonely I was.

Funny how the dark of night can bring this all out...

Please Be Patient.

2008-03-31T20:38:00.000-07:00

So its been a long time since I wrote here on a regular basis. And while my life has changed, (almost totally for the better) I believe I still have a story to tell...

So be patient as I start giving this space a new look and getting back into the habit of writing.

Perhaps tommorrow I'll reintroduce myself.

Coming to a Club near you!

2007-07-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

SO its begun. We are gonna be performing regularly starting on the 9th in brainerd MN for diversity night at inferno. I'm super excited its nice to put aside the serious side and have some fun once inawhile.

Center stage....

2007-05-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

well i guess the party girl didn't die totally...

or at least the drama queen is alive and well... I will be performing at Minneapolis Pride as a go-go girl....

I'm scared as hell its been 4+ years since I've done this and never solo... always with someone else... But here it goes...

I got two spots... so i need two songs... so far i got Avril Lavigne's girlfriend... anyone else got any idea's?????

Good morning... Not really.

2007-04-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

This is what i got to wake up to this morning. My neighbors house burning down... Thankfully it wasnt my house. but when you live in a trailer park all it takes is one spark for tragedy to hit.

we were woken up this morning, either by someone banging or windows exploding. in hindsight i'm no longer sure. Shortly after the propane tank on their grill exploded and a tree caught fire... A really big pine tree. by then sparks were flying everywhere and the back lawn had caught on fire. This is the house that is almost directly behind ours. My dad was out there hosing everything down so nothing would catch on our house.

thank god our house is still standing... again. This is the second fire on our block in 2007. and its only april. Its made me realize how fragile our life is, how fragile stability can be... One spark and it can be all gone. Home, pictures, memories, security.... everything. and truthfully i dont know what my family would do if something like this happened to us.

I wish i could write more or say something profound... but i'm just so shocked, so scared, so overwhelmed...

Language...

2007-04-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am a person with an autism spectrum disorder...

The important part of that is that i am a PERSON. I work very hard to advocate for the rights of people with disabilities, including myself. In the last 9 months i have had the priveledge to speak with my state senator and his staff as well as my representatives staff. I have been able to share my story and hopes for equality with congressmens offices and county commissioners. I have done work towards promoting the education of first responders regarding best practice methods for working with individuals with autism. I have been lucky enough to hear dozens of the countries leading experts on disability rights.

and i have yet to meet one individual that does not prefer person first language when describing themselves or their child.

what alarms me in all this is that i have recently encountered another blog. Autism Diva that has no respect for this concept. I do acknowledge that people first language is a choice. but when i commented on her blog about her use of reffering to the community as a whole as "autistic people" I was called overly sensitive. as well as presumptious, for presuming that disabled people care. Well i am a disabled person and i care.

on a group i am a member of the main title is "for people suffering from aspergers syndrome"... again here we are with the language. I am not suffering. There are days that are harder than others, and there are days that i drive my partner nuts simply being me. But this is all part of who i am.

Some refer to people first language as cumbersome and unneccasary, but i differ. If we want to be seen as people same as others we need to adjust how we allow ourselves to be labeled.

Language is a tricky thing. We speak freely and often but how much of the time do we think about what we are saying and how it sets a precident for how people view us or our situation.

today i challenge you to think before you speak... how does what you say set a precident?

Playing favorites...

2007-04-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

This is my beautiful neice Lavender... and thats why i'm writing today because i'm annoyed beyond beliefe... My estranged other sister has decided she is the favorite auntie and has started sending me vicious e-mails calling me a druggy and a drunk and a dike... yes a DIKE.... lol nice to know i'm a water feature... i prefer that to being called a dyke by some ignorant welfare queen. It pisses me off though cause i've worked so hard to be clean (3 1/2 years now) and i dont drink a lot (hell i'm still working on the 6 pack from st.patricks day)

I'm annoyed by all of this cause i believe that every aunt has the right to believe they are the favorite... and i'm sorry that i dont have more time to spend with my niece and nephew but lets me realistic, i have a demanding job and i go to school full time. But i see them every chance i get. Fact of the matter is what i am doing the rest of the time is building a life for myself... being a positive role model.

My nephew Tyreal has a disability and i spend a lot of my spare time lobbying for disability rights and funding. This is in part because of him but also because both my brother and I have autism spectrum disorders. But in the long run i think the impact i have on disability related legislation will have a much greater impact on my nephews life and well being than an afternoon watching sponge bob...

I guess the gist of this is that i hate ignorant people...

Dear Mr. President...

2007-04-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

With everything going on in the political climate right now it really struck me hard to hear this song the other day on the L-word. and to think about what i would like to tell my president if he would take a walk with me. I would like to tell him what its like to try to support yourself on minimum wage with a disability, what its like to live check to check 6 people crammed in a tiny trailer to make sure that my brother and sister are provided for and that there is always someone to watch my brother cause we cant afford to pay for childcare for a child with special needs. Tell him about how my parents jobs are always at risk cause they work in fields supported by human services federal and state funding, how his bombs and his war put my family at risk of losing everything. I want to tell him what its like to be married, with out any protection or benefits, what its like to e discriminated against for being in love. and i'll tell him what it was like for stinky to be 6 with his dad far away in iraq. what its like to watch a child grow up with out his father. and thats just the tip.

I have so much respect for Pink for putting this song out there. Its wonderful to see a mainstream artist putting out such a contreversial piece.

Let me pose this question... what would you tell our president...

"Dear Mr. President"

Dear Mr. President,

Come take a walk with me.

Let's pretend we're just two people and

You're not better than me.

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the

tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,

Were you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

How can you say No child is left behind?

We're not dumb and we're not blind.

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Minimum wage with a baby on the way

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Building a bed out of a cardboard box

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing 'bout hard work

Hard work

Oh How do you sleep at night?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Dear Mr. President,

You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

Oh! and happy easter... hope the bunny was good to you... or your at least getting some deviled eggs and egg salad out of the whole deal!

An odd goodbye...

2007-03-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

So the day before Valentines day my neighbors trailer caught on fire making it inhabitable... It was a scary night cause in a trailer park fire spreads like Herpes in a highschool. Well anyhow today was the day they had to tear down the trailer. It was really sad for me to watch the walls come down and see it gutted.

Partly cause i feel for what my neighbor lost. but also because i spent a large part of my youth there. I drank with the original neighbors when i was 18 and they were my age, Their girlfriends used to give me dating advice and do my hair. I had my last guy crush in those walls. I remember watching the neighbors and thinking they were so grown up and wanting to be like them. and now i'm their age. and the trailer is coming down.

Friends started families there, nights of laughter took place, many tears were shed. And now it is a skeleton of what once was. I know that the real value is in the moments and memories and not the actual structure, but it will be weird to look out the window and not see the deck i sat on and cried when my first serious girlfriend broke my heart, when another trailer goes up it will be odd knowing that Mike, Holly, John, Dean or Keitha never lived there...

mostly its unsettling to realize how fleeting everything is... How precious the moment really is.

Lord help Charter communications

2007-03-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

So we got the internet and cable... Its been a long 3days but i think everything is where it should be... 5 technicians (well 4 but 2 visits from one) and a free month later...

We had nothing but problems getting to this point...

heres the break down...

Day 1
* the modem was installed in the wrong room
* the cable in the bedroom wasnt split to accomodate net access
* they didnt leave a remote for the second cable box (WHAT THE HELL WHO DOES THAT!)
* my LAPTOP was left on the floor by the technicians
* the whole damn thing took 5 and a half freaking hours!
* Showtime on demand refused to work (read: NO SHANE!)

Day 2
* they send another technician out TO FIX OUR INTERNET that wasnt broken
* Still didnt get a remote
* Showtime on demand STILL doesnt work
* spent 2 hours on the phone after the internet crashed and i couldnt watch the L word. I was transferred 11teen times including the the disconnect dept.... I was like DONT TEMPT me Bitch

Day 3
*one more technician...
* an ANGRY call to corporate...
* FINALLY got a remote and a month free...

I dont understand how hard this was gonna be I mean really... a trained monkey could do this... but apparently not a trained contractor... anyhow... On that note I'm gonna go watch the L word on demand... *crosses fingers* PRAY FOR ME

Back on the horse

2007-03-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

where to begin. I finally got the internet at home so perhaps i can now begin to blog about the most mundane crap again.

It was a long day at work today puncuated by crazyness. A family came into the studio today with the sweetest 9 month old baby. he was the size of an 18 month old. and laughed and giggled at everyone.

I'm fueding with the bank yet again. I'm so devastated. It felt like we were finally getting ahead and then boom a pile of overdrafts that i swear up and down shouldnt be here. and of course K cant find he reciept to prove that the money should be there. I dont know what to do.

I cant believe that me and k have been together for 11 months. its been a rollercoaster ride. but wow we really have made it. I remember the last time i was in this place, with Chris like 2 years ago. so much has changed and i think about the places i have been and he experiences i have had. It seems so unreal. I dont even know where i would begin to tell the story.

but thats all for now... more to follow...

Watching Angels.

2007-02-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

So this last week we headed back to Iowa to see K's family. WOW! thats a hell of a lot of people and a hell of a lot of kids. but what a blessing. While we were there K's sister went into labor and we got to be a part of the birth... what a miracle watching this tiny precious baby turn from tummy into a beautiful angel.

on that note... things are going great for me and K. we have been talking a lot more about the future and what we can do to make sure we have the strongest foundation possible. the trip was really good at bringing us closer together.

Mostly though its been a lot of the same old stuff... work and school....

The Chart...

2007-01-14T19:59:00.000-08:00

So the L word creators are introducing a new online facet... "the chart" coming soon to www.ourchart.com. The question is, how much of this will end up spurning more lesbian drama... and how many bar fights will break out due to one little website... Hmmmmm.... we shall see...

Don't forget to add yourself... Hell this might be the best way to hook up with that one night stand that was as good in bed as "Papi"....

NEW SEASON!!!!

2007-01-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

So tonight was the premeire of the fourth season of the L word... What the fuck.... The whole show was essentially Shane (super fucking hottness) walking around drunk and strung out on coke...

Why the hell do lesbians have to be so fucked up... In reality thats not how we actually all are... Well yes the chart applies applicably across the board and every community has at their Shanes & Papi's, we also have our extras that never make the major waves...

My life would never merit a script anywhere near comparable to the L word... Hell me and my friends spent the night at home counting down to this premiere making dinner and cuddling kitty cats... Searching craigslist for new apartments (found a great lead with only one catch... no cooking meat at the house).

At one point I believed that my life needed to be of showtime quality to validate my lesbianness but now i realize otherwise and i am ecstatic...

On other fronts things are getting complicated at work... I had a sitting today that is pretty much the 2007 version of the brady bunch crossed with the osbournes... it gave birth to photographic genius... However theres tension abound at work with conflicts regarding hours and whether or not expectations of sales averages are realistic. Theres a higher up position in my studio that might be about to open up and i'm thinking that perhaps i should go after it... While it will be a lot more time and require me to cut back school to part time. It might be an amazing oppourtunity, hell i would make more a year than my formal employer with out a college degree. I have the experience and i have the vision of what the studio could be under the right guidance and operation...

On that note i'll be off to dress my favorite fat cat in a pink polo shirt... oddly enough i am amused and satisfied that this is NOW my life...

It's been awhile...

2007-01-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

Wow its been awhile since I've actually blogged... Its been crazzy busy with christmas rush at work and finals at school... But the good news is that I aced my classes and i'm officially core staff at work... and I've been dubbed the official rockstar of the studio with my kickass sales average and stellar photography... (a girl can't always be modest can she?)...

So Christmas has come and gone and it amazes me how much everything has changed. I'm so far away from where i was a year ago and i dont just mean miles. Coming home is one of the greatest things I have done. I've become super close with my sister, found one of the best friends i could ever have, started my life with K.... and finally become the person i gave lipservice to all these years.

But I still miss Chicago... I was in hallmark the other day and saw the card i gave stinky last year for valentines day... I miss the hell out of stinky and feel like i lost one of the best parts of my life... But i also know that i couldn't keep living my life for someone elses child.

I also miss Slinkster... And the crazzzzzzzzzzzzy nights out on the town... the gay boys and blue liquor... but at the same time theres something to be said for my quiet calm life... I like renting movies and spending quiet nights at home... playing board games with friends and drinking diet coke at perkins.

It proves that different isn't always better... sometimes its just different... And i can't say i'm always happy, but i am content and on the right path for happy ever after. And living with bipolar that is just gonna have to be good enough...

Its crazy cause this blog was started with the idea of documenting all the crazy events i found myself in day to day... but now lifes not so crazzy... believe me there are still moments that i think to myself "what the fuck" but its not as insane as it used to be and i'm ok with that...

soundtrack...

2006-11-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

*Your Life: The Soundtrack*
Opening credits:	Acoustic #3- goo goo dolls/ semi charmed kinda life-
Waking up:	little plastic castles- Ani difranco
Average day:	Something More- Sugar land
First date:	Laid- James
Falling in love:	Digame- Anna Nalick/ the promise- tracy chapman
Love scene:	Both Hands - Ani Difranco
Fight scene:	Toxicity- System of a down
Breaking up:	I miss you (aucoustic)- incubus/ Beloved Wife Natalie merchant
Getting back together:	Bring it on home- (?)
Secret love:	the weakness in me- joan armatrading/ Lips of an Angel- Hinder
Life's okay:	Seasons of Love- Rent
Mental breakdown:	Stolen Sidewalks- Biff Naked
Driving:	Wide Open Spaces- Dixie Chicks
Learning a lesson:	Dont Stop Believing- Journey
Deep thought:	Never saw Blue like that- Shawn Colvin
Flashback:	God Bless the Broken road- Rascal flatts
Partying:	God is a DJ- Pink/ because of you- kelly clarkson
Happy dance:	Remix of Sweet Caroline
Regreting:	Bring on the Rain- Jodee Messina
Long night alone:	Strong enough by sheryl crowe
Death scene:	heres to the night by eve six
Closing credits:	100 years- five for fighting
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

HELP!!!!

2006-11-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/herjuliette22

If you read my blog i get points towards getting a scholorship!!! PLEASE PLEASE spread the word!!!

What did you

2006-11-01T14:28:00.000-08:00

So the other day i was sitting in bed with my partner drinking a diet coke, she asked if i had heard about the protest in columbia regarding the construction of a new coke bottling factory... the people of columbia were protesting because of the amount of enviromental damage coca-cola has done to other countrys. so today i decided to do a little more research and found out that colleges and universitys across the country are boycotting coke for human rights violations and enviromental devastation....

CHECK IT OUT!!!!! http://www.killercoke.org

so next time you pop open a coke think about what it REALLY cost...

On that note i'm off to grab a pepsi.

WOW!

2006-10-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

So this week i got a job... I am now officially a childrens photographer again... I filled out the application thursday, interviewed friday and started saturday.with in 10 minutes i was getting smiles, within an hour i was posing and within 3 hours i had the camera in my hands and was good to go... End of the day my manager pulled me off for paperwork and looked at me and said "I'm not paying you enough, your amazing" and there was my first raise on my first day.

But truthfully its not about the money... its about how much i love doing this. how great it feels to be in the camera room with the lights flashing. to be posing people and making memories... I forgot how much i loved this job... and how good i am at it.

K also found a new job friday and she is working on a political campaign for a group of canidates i support 10000%. although she does have an interview for a better paying job at the same mall i work at tomorrow. It would make life a hell of a lot simpler if we both worked at the same place... but all and all things are really shaping up right now.

Schools also going great... I had my counseling skills review today and i passed with flying colors...only 7 more weeks left of the semester!

mid terms

2006-10-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

so mid terms have come and past and so far i'm batting 100% for the semester!

I'm stoked... this semester has been a lot of challenges but i seem to be doing ok...

I made my tape for counseling skills last week and i did better than i thought i would... i get the teacher review today...

I started volunteering for the disability linkage line last week, it was actually pretty cool. My first day on the job i started researching resources to add to the database...

I still have one more mid term paper to turn in but it is a no brainer...

I was thinking about my life recently and how someone once told me i would never better myself cause i dont want it.... (got to thinking about this when it came to the discussion of generational vs situational poverty and how my family ended up where we are because of a situation)... what i came to about this is that this person has no room to judge... I am going somewhere with my life... one small step at a time, but it sure beats backsliding. I fight everyday against a disability and work through the anxiety and depressive symptoms. I am happy to look in the mirror every day and satisfied with the life i am building...

so maybe for now i am at the bottom of the barrell as far as money and possesions go... those things dont matter anyhow... what i do have is the ability to forgive, an education underway, a loving partner and family, amazing friends, and my needs met. I am satisfied with life... sure it would be nice to make more money and have more things... but in the end i will get it all...

most importantly... I have people that believe in me.

Update.... and the 5 people you meet in heaven

2006-10-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

I recently reread the 5 people you meet in heaven and then was asked by my cousin about forgotten memories... so i thought about 5 people i have lost that i would like to meet in heaven...

in no particular order....

1- my REAL dad... i just wanna know why he was never around...
2- my first girlfriend... to talk about how she changed my life
3- my grandmother... to tell her how much her love meant to me
4- Stinky... I miss that kid so much... its hard to comprehend loving someone so completely.
5-My highschool mentor... to show him how his influence shaped everything.

So this last weekend i went to Partners in Policy making again and i'm still totally loving it... I was told by someone that being around me has two effects either gives them energy or exhausts them lol...

Today is kaiden and me's 6 month anniversery... WOW.... we havent really done much cause i've had midterms all week and i'm battling the flu... but sometimes the nice quiet at home time is wonderful. Recently we have been playing animal crossing for nintendo game cube together which in some ways seems completely pointless cause its all about making money and buysing things like a bigger house or clothes or furniture...and you make money by catching bugs or digging up fossils or running errands for people... It makes me laugh that a game has captured so much of my attention recently.

Just some thougts hope you all have a good day.

2006-10-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

So lately things here have been going good... I've been working hard in school and doing great... but there are still things that haunt me. I heard this song the other night and it brought back a flood of emotions... But its ok... It shouldn't matter.... SHE is gone now. it was only for a moment that she was a part of my life... But damn it if i can't forget her. and hell if i would want to. I dont know how to make sense of things that happened but sometimes, well sometimes you just need to miss someone... I just hope she misses me too sometimes.

What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain
On the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
And I just let ‘em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain
Of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it overI would trade, give away
All the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Not seein’ that lovin’ you
That’s what I was trying to do

So I've been thinking.....

2006-10-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

so i had my systems change and intervention class today and we got to talking about school violence, and of course what happened at columbine came up. I know I'm not an expert and that i'm not always right but it did sadden me to hear so much blame cast about... blaming everyone but the students... Its the parents fault... its the teachers fault... its the laws fault cause we can't use capital punishment in our schools... its the internets fault cause thats how they found out how to make a bomb....

What about student judgements???
What about peer pressure???
What about peer osterasization???

I was a senior in highschool when Columbine happened... and i remember how deeply i was touched. I remember looking around my own school and seeing the segregation and judgement and realizing that it could happen there...

Sometimes i think that when we speak of change... first we must look at our own attitudes.

Lola!

2006-10-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

So this weekend me and K finally bought a car... Mind you its a piece of crap... a 92 grand am... we named her lola... The feeling of freedom is remarkable... almost over night it has changed our relationship and how we deal with everyone else too... Instead of being so dependent we are able to CHOOSE! and do our laundry with no assistance! lol...

YEAH!!!!!!

WOW!

2006-09-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was the kick off of Partners In Policy Making. I could go on and on and on explaining what this is... but theres the link use it! Long story short i have never been so inspired to "be the change". It was amazing to be around people that are just as passionate and dedicated to "fighting the good fight" as i am.

Not long ago someone told me that i was niave if i thought i could change the world. But lately i realized that they are niave if they think i cant change the world.

Looking at the disability community it is important to recognize that one man was the true begining to the independant living movement. Ed Roberts. This man was disabled from the neck down after contracting polio at the age of fourteen and although people thought he would amount to nothing, he was determined to live his life the way HE wanted to. Ed is responsible for "curb cuts" (the little ramps on sidewalks) and he was the first paralyzed individual to attend Berkley college in California.

He started a movement. With out him. WOW. Who knows where the disability community would be. But it took one persons passion to start the ball... So who says i cant make a difference too!

At partners we also did a lot of creativity exercises with Charlie and Maria Girsh from Creativity Central again i must just say WOW. Some highlights of this presentation were unique ways to brainstorm, forcing connectivity, the "think pen" and the idea that if you were ever a child you are a creative person.

On another note.... Me and K got a fish this weekend! He is a Beta and his name is Filet! I know it may sound corny... But this is a sign of our commitment to one another... *insert girly sigh here*

"FUCK YOU"

2006-09-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

I recently stumbled on something after checking out my blog traffic! I GOT BLOG STALKERS! wow.... lady seriously you are ten years older than me! COME OFF IT! You are quite possibly one of the most dillusional judgemental people i have ever met... AND WHATS WORSE IS YOU DONT SEE IT! My life in minnesota is amazing and wonderful and fulfilling. I am making GREAT friends, that could dance circles around you intellectually. I am in a loving supportive relationship with someone that is WILLING to call it a relationship. I am not in constant battle with my past and the people in it and I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for putting myself in the position i am in. I am working in the community doing what i love. I am nannying for wonderful children part time.

Secondly you have no right to say anything about my parents. My parents have made many of the choices they have for reasons that someone like you will never understand. Reasons that i do not need to justify to you. and get your facts straight its two autistic children and dont judge till you walk in my shoes or my mothers.

Obviously you are not as ok with yourself as you pretend to be or you wouldnt continously be peeking in to my peaceful life. I have made no effort to contact you or your child except on the one occasion that the police request that i do so they could possibly have more information in catching the people that mugged us. I miss your son daily, but i am responsible enough to not contact you or him cause i dont want to cause more issues.

I am SO fucking sick of this.... You make comment that YOUR friends (glad t0 see you consider them something to own) want to kick my ass... GROW THE FUCK UP. my friends have issues with you too... as does my family and although a majority of us are at LEAST 10 years yoru junior we dont run around verbalizing intent to harm... WTF.... WOW.

I'm glad i left. You are no way anyone i should look up to i was misled and i see now that you are nothing that i want to be. Please stop reading my blog and retaliating like you know something.

Oh and as for your comment on my GLBT issue... The teacher agreed it was in poor taste and negative communication in an academic enviroment... People dont not not like me... I'm in heaven making new friends that dont try to change me...

so in conclusion i'll act 24 for a moment...

FUCK YOU

Homophobiaism???

2006-09-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

(not related to this months topics but desperately needing to share)

Today I learned what "racism" feels like... But I am white... and my attackers all of various minority groups.

I am going to school for human services because i want to provide support to GLBT youth. One of my classes is multicultural aspects of human services, 90% of the class is of racial minorities. Today we had a speaker and somehow the GLBT topic came up, mainly one woman expressed her outrage that her nephews school plans on having a day where GLBT families are the topic. Apparently she feels that her nephew at 5 is too young to learn about sex. I argued that same sex parents arent an issue of sex....

Of course this launched the class into a riot about what the bible says and them not wanting the school to teach their children about something that is wrong...

yet when i asked how they would feel if the lesbian mothers didnt want their child to learn about black history they had no response...

When i asked where in the bible did it say that they were to decide what was wrong and right they had no response...

When i asked how else they expect cultural acceptance of the GLBT community to come about.... I was told we are not a culture...

Howevert my text book defines a culture as "a lens through which life is percieved. Each culture through its differences (in language, values, personality, family patterns,world view, sense of time, and space, and rules of interaction), generates a phenomenologically different experience of reality.

I think the most disturbing though was that no one saw that their reaction was the exact thing that we are trying to learn not to do as proffessional helpers. Here I am... A white minority... I accept their cultures, embrace the differences but because of who I am I was attacked.

I likened educating GLBT acceptance to the desegregation education that took place during the civil rights movement, I cited books like heather has two mommys... and no one realized that I wasn't asking them to be ok with it, I was asking them to not be against it, to accept education and awareness around the subject. It breaks my heart that these are the people that plan on working with youth, adults with mental illness, in our rehab centers.... Do they realize that statisticly an estimated 75% of homeless youth identify as GLBT, or that the glbt community is 2 to 3 times more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol...

It is people like this in the industry that keep many people from seeking help...

It was then brought up that racial acceptance is different from GLBT acceptance cause you can look at a person and see a different race, but you cant look at me and tell that i am gay. But i want to know why ignorance should keep me in the closet, keep me from living my life...

I was told by a classmate later in the elevator that she doesnt think i am very accepting of my sexuality because i felt attacked (regardless of my backpack covered in GLBT buttons and my open stance on gay rights).

I was told that I just need to accept that some people won't accept homosexuality just like there are people that dont accept heterosexuality (if any of you know a heterophobic homosexual pass on my e-mail i would love to meet one!) and that if we have a glbt family day at school we need to have a hetero family day.... I likened it to the need to have a black history month and that theres no white history month cause every day is white history month.... why have a hetero family day when everyday is!

I feel like a victim of racism.... Yet there is no word to describe what i feel cause gay is not my race. I could say i was discriminated, yet discrimination denotes an action and instead i was just a victim of negative thoughts and presumptions... maybe theres something to the lack of a word. If we dont label the negative thoughts and attitude towards the glbt community we cant condemn it like we do racism... am i supposed to call it homophobiaism???? A phobia is a fear... this was an attitude...

but no one got it.... It made me sad....

What its like....

2006-08-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

so i wonder sometimes if the people in my life really know what its like to be me... not many people know this about me but i belonf to the autism spectrum... I am an adult with aspergers syndrome. AS is a high functioning for of autism that affects social and cognitive devolopement and some other quirky things (i suggest googling if you want more info)
But i bring it up cause lately i'm feeling invisible and misunderstood. I know that i want to be just like everyone else but the fact is i'm not and i dont know if anyone can truly understand what its like to be me... how different i feel, how isolated i feel.
this past weekend i went to a conference on Autism spectrum disorders and first responders, and i was surrounded by people just like me, or people with children just like me and it was the first time in a long time that i felt completely confident.
One of the presenters was a woman living with high functioning autism and she likened autistic people to agates... when you first see them on the beach they are this rock with a slightly different appearance but then when you take the time to see inside its something beautiful and amazing and mindblowing.
now the question is... do you know whats inside me.... even more importantly do you care?

I dont know why i'm suddenly struggling with this issue... perhaps its school and trying to figure out all the crazzy things inside my head... but stay tuned... cause i'm awfully thoughtful these days

Guess Who's back???

2006-08-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

(back again.... shadys back so tell a friend) ummmm just kidding... no its me....

School officially started today offering me regular web access so I think its time i started writing again...

Its been one of those summers... where everything has seemed so surreal...

I almost feel like rip van winkle yet here i woke up with a clear sense of direction and what i want to be doing... In 3 semesters i will have my degree in human services. I have an internship possiblity lined up for this summer in DC. and i am taking part in a wonderful training program through the government called Partners In Policy making (they train disabled adults or parents of disabled children to advocate for themselves).

K is moving home (by home i mean back to me) in 9 days... I never did stop loving her.... i was just a fool and i think we spent too much time dreaming and not enough on the realistic aspects of a relationship... But i've learned a ton this summer and i plan on taking all those lessons and applying them to bettering myself and my life...

Theres No Place Like Home....

2006-07-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

so... Its been awhile since i've sat down to write here... A lot has happened since i moved home... Me and K broke up (though we are working on it again) mostly cause of my own gross stupidity in theorys of committment... who would have thought that something i wanted so badly would scare me so much... wow.

But its good to be home... I missed my friends and family and i know i have said that a million times already but it is still super true...

I am nannying for my brother and sister and two other girls... spend most days at the pool and i'm actually getting a fairly decent tan... Evenings are spent rediscovering the life i left behind... drinking beer... dancing and just laughing.

I had my heart broken by a girl we shall simply call batman... and while it hurt like hell, i'm glad it happened... i learned things i cant even articulate at this moment... and while sometimes i like to think shes evil... i know she just followed her heart and i'm thankful she's smiling...

on another note... I was robbed at gunpoint a couple weeks ago with three of my friends... just goes to prove that groups dont matter if they arent alone or if they have guns... wow i dont even know where to start with that story... so much comes to mind... But again i left it a few bucks broker, needing a new cell phone but with a plethora of lessons learned.

school is starting in less than a month... I'm totally stoked... going to go full time... with 14 credits! and i'm even taking a class with my mommy... so anyhow.. i guess thats enough for now... but lets just say...

regardless of the downfalls since i've been home... its still good to be home...

2006-06-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

So here it is… yesterday was my first full day in Minnesota… I spent the whole day unpacking and putting my old room (which is now a toy room) into an acceptable bedroom for two adults… its looking good… Tomorrow K leaves California to come here and we can start our lives together. Being home is such a blessing. I didn’t realize how much I missed my brother (8) and sister (6) and the plethora of friends I have in my life here…

Saturday we came home and ended up out at our usual bar drinking free drinks and singing karokee… Ran into all sorts of old faces there including a newish friend that I have actually known since I was in middle school, in fact she was the girl that tormented me endlessly… Funny how lesbianism will bond people together. I spent a couple beers talking with her girlfriend about the amazement of Chicago and the circumstances that brought me home… also spent some time singing drunken songs with Twinkles and my new mistress… LOL

As always thank you for reading… For awhile most of my postings will be put up by my mom, and written by me at home… Thank you Mommy for allowing me to continue with my creativity and writing…

God Bless This Broken Road.... Or Good Bye Chicago

2006-06-09T10:23:00.002-07:00

Last night was amazing... Dancing on the packed dance floor... Throwing shots back with my best friends and basicly living it up with my gay boys... But then came the hard part.... Saying good bye...

Its hard to believe that this is where i ended up and even harder to believe that home is where i am going. I used to question where home was... But now i know that its in my heart, and regardless of whether i am here or there both places will always be home.

The reasons i came to chicago are so overshadowed by now by the people i have met, and mostly in the last year. I am thankful for my little man, and my Slinkster, and my P diddy and my two favorite bookworms, i am thankful for my concieted asshole and old roommate the dictator. I am even thankful for the asshat that led me to all of them....
Its funny how things work out, its funny how life takes turns we never imagined it taking... and how the journey is none the less the most beautiful thing... I am at the point where i cry when i travel familar roads here in chicago... but at the same time i can feel the sand at hidden beach under my toes...

And while perhaps i did have to fall to go home, i would never take back the last two years. I am going home a different woman than i was when i left, and for once in my life it is someone i am proud to be. Thank you Chicago, All of you ment something and i will never forget you and i will be back....

With That.... A special Shout out to Slinkster... I love you and nothing is going to change... stay away from blue liquor... and i'll see you later....

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road Lyrics

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I should be packing...

2006-06-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yes i should be packing... I leave on Saturday... But i dont wanna... Leaving is hard for me... But at the same time i cant wait to go home... So anyhow... Perhaps i need to bite the bullet and start loading my belongings into boxes.. Sweet jesus how did this happen... I know that the move is for the best... and my girlfriend will be meeting me in minnesota just a few days after i get there... I will be home for pride and one of my best friends (an ex) is visiting then too...and I will be closer when my god child is born... and spend REAL time with my brother and sister and catch up with old friends from highschool... Its gonna be good... Also... I can get some help i need. I dont know if i have ever talked about it here but i am bipolar and i have aspergers syndrome... Lately things have been spiraling out of control... so i think its time to step back... and get my junk together... I have however found a way where i will keep posting here regularly... In fact i even changed my header cause no longer will i be the lesbian Nanny in chicago... now i will be just me... this move however should provide interesting blog fodder... cause there is so much to be said about going home... LOL

Things that make me go what the hell???

2006-06-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

BROKEN CELL PHONES....

I broke yet another cell phone last night.. well the charger anyways... I have 3 weeks until my upgrade and i break my phone NOW what the hell... but i talked to the t mobile customer care guy and he put a note in my account saying my upgrade was acceptable... but the store doesnt have to honor it... and it wont ship to chicago in time... so i might have to wait to have my phone back till i move to MN... *sigh* we shall see on todays adventure to the t-mobile store... I swear i will cry...

LESBIANS DATING MEN....

So the girl that tried to take my girlfriend from me (unsuccessfully i might add) is now dating a man... I am forced to shake my head... He isnt even a cute guy... LOL... so anyhow... what can i say... I am sorry that she got her heart broken... But perhaps she should consider going after single girls rather than ones that have rocking girlfriends like me... what the hell....

I JUST FINISHED UNPACKING....

and now i must start packing... enough said... what the hell...

Going Home...

2006-06-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

So recently... (ok today) i decided that i am gonna move back to Minnesota... And get my stuff together.... I havent been posting here as much but lately i have been an emotional wreck. I am unemployed and things have just been spinning out of control.

It is scary the thought of leaving chicago.... but i cant wait to be home in the arms of my friends and family...Its hard to believe that i have only been here two years... I dont know yet where this road will take me.... other than away from the internet... but it will be nice to be traveling fmailar paths...

Thank you to all that have supported me... It means everything....

Wonderment.

2006-05-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

First a special shout out to Tina... Yes you have commented here before and as always its greatly appriciated... in response to your question lets just say... they were trying to vote me out of office, not to mention some very blatant sexual innuendoes at my girlfriend. its all over myspace if you find me (click on bio)... Quite disturbing. (and I greatly enjoy reading your blog as well)

Lately i have been looking at the world and seeing so much bad ...Poeple that can look over a childs head on a crowded bus and snag the last seat leaving this small child standing, or walk past a hungry homeless person and then proceed to throw over half of a sandwhich into a puddle less than ten feet away. Mothers that ignore their children, perhaps for a man, or a woman or drugs or the internet. And people simply drenched in immaturity and spite. I am amazed that the world still turns with so much drowning out the good. I worte a poem last night.. Its about all i have to say today... enjoy

Man Child.

The shadows are long
Down foot from the past
The place of intersections
Where the choices
Form our hearts
Our life
Your life
But mostly
A future

A place of innocence
Where mistakes are as cheap
As the rewards.
You my sweet man child.
When will the plastic soldiers
Give way to understanding this war.

Rebellion bittersweet
When washed away
With your lovers tears.
Tears that burn like liquor,
And yet still underage.
A privilege meant for
Maturity.
For a man.
Yet stolen in a game of dress up.

So much already a man.
Yet still a tender girl
Tears in the stolen night
And big talk in the sun
How do I show you
An unavoidable path.
A place with sense
Where you can grow
Into you
Into him
Or hym
Or her
Whoever you dream to be.

Child like security
Child like insecurity
You my sweet man child.
Dreaming.
Of the second star to the right.
Yet cursed to the passage of time.

I'm back...

2006-05-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

So i stopped writing here cause i thought i wanted some privacy with what was going on with me... but alas... it was found out anyhow. So for the rest of you.. My sweet Darling wonderful girlfriend devoloped feelings for another woman on the internet. So we took the last week to sort through this and decide where we wanted to be. In the end, we are still together and while there are some soft spots now, the emotion and feeling is stronger as is our bond to one another. Yeah i know it sounds cheeseey and most everyone i know thinks i should have kicked her to the curb. But the fact is attraction is part of life, and it was brought to me honestly.

where i do have a problem though presently is this other womans blatant immaturity. I know that at times i am not always the most mature or rational person.. But i do beleive that i have handled this with grace and dignity for the most part at least in "public" venues. yet i have had the situation repeatedly thrown in my face. and the only explanation offered... "she hates you cause you have what she wants"... I AM SORRY... I want this woman to know that i hate being made into the bad guy. She is the one that disrupted my fairy tale and spun my life out of control and now its like the sea itself is finally calm yet she continues to kick and punch my boat causing worse waves then before.

And what can i do about this? i wrote her a letter asking for respect... simple respect... she came back with more disrespect... for now i am going to take this as a lesson in dignity and patience and being the bigger person.

But for my readers... I'm back and i will start writing about my usual mumbo jumbo tomorrow... just thought i would take a minute tonight to get you all back up to date...

PS: to the office ladies... You hunted it down.. you know the dirt... its thanks to you two i'm back

an update

2006-05-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

So its been finals week and just life in general has kept me busy... Sorry...

Finals are done

girls are confusing

club is fun as always

Stinky is on vacation

when i reach the point of being able to organize my thoughts this will be the first place i stop...

thanks for the patience.

I can NEVER remember....

2006-05-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

I sit on the bus or the train during the day and i always come up with brilliant ideas about what to post... Something that will blow your mind... And then i forget... LOL I'm smooth....

So today... Pop Quiz

Name the Song:

1: "Now, we’ve got Cinderella, she’s chilling at homequite content with being alone. She is playing with the mice and singing with the birds and they’re the only ones who ever heard these words. She said "I’ll get in the damn pumpkin. Do it all right,weep and lose my slipper, freak out at midnight. But there’s one thing that the prince might not like, it’s the Fairygod I’m after. I’m a dyke."She screams at the top of her lungs "I’m whole, I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul"She screams at the top of her lungs "I’m whole, I’m body, I’m heart, I’m mind, I’m soul." Alix Olsen... eve

2: "You've got someone here Wants to make it all right Someone to love you more Than I have right here You've gotta bring it on and I'll hold you tight A hand to lead you on through the night right hereI know your heart can get All tangled up insideBut don't you keep it to yourself" Little Big town... Bring it on Home

3: "Together again It would feel so good to beIn your arms Where all my journeys end If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keepI vow to come for youIf you wait for me And say you'll hold A place for me I in your heart." Tracy Chapman... Promise

4: "we're in a room without a door and i am sure without a doubt they're gonna wanna knowhow we got in here and they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out we better have a good explanation for all the fun that we had'cuz they are coming for us, babe and they are going to be mad yeah they're going to be mad at us" Ani Difranco.... Shameless

So I know that those are all rather obscure songs... and i will mail a cookie to the person that can name all 4... Otherwise i will post the artist and song title in a couple of days...

Sadly only one person could name any of them and it was my ex girlfriend... the stalker like one... Wierd...

I....

2006-05-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

I AM my mothers daughter
I WANT K to come home soon. and a 4.0 gpa and a diet coke.
I WISH i knew what to wish for.
I HATE ignorance... and people that dont put Stinky first (like people that wont let him sit down when all the other seats on the bus are full...
I MISS my sister poppy...
I FEAR the future and being a "real" adult.
I HEAR too much.
I WONDER about my capabilitys.
I REGRET Nothing....
I AM NOT as confident as people think i am
I DANCE with passion.
I SING poorly, but loudly at every chance.
I CRY in secret.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS words for the weary.
I WRITE to hide. to exist. to live.
I CONFUSE others.
I NEED to be more productive... and $300
I SHOULD use my energy more productively..
I START to think too much late at night
I FINISH... no i dont...
I'M GLAD that i am starting to understand myself.

"I am contemplating life"

2006-05-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

As I write that title my room mate/boss informs me that "everyone poops its just a fact of life". "I am gonna go contemplate life" is now house hold code for I need to take a shit. I don't know why this seems like a relevant thing to start out this post with... Perhaps cause it will give you a glimpse into my life. And the chaos that I am surrounded by.

Sometimes I marvel at how three people so quirky and odd can come together in one simply beautiful way. Perhaps we aren't your stereotypical vision of what a family should look like or be. But none the less we are family.

Life isn't always what you expect it to be, I realize that more and more every day as this crazzzy life unfolds before me.

I don't often talk about it here but I do have an amazing girlfriend, that I haven't seen in four years. And despite the thousands of miles and everything I have a hard time remembering what life was like before her. And while there are the naysayers that think I am out of my mind and that this is merely a fairy tale... I know something else. They ask how can you say you love someone that you have only ever talked to... Perhaps that is better in someways? It has gone beyond SEX and the superficial discussions of taco bell or McDonald's... And while I don't know her every little mannerism, I know her the core being of her.

And over the last week she has been my Angel... I have been insane with all this moving and finals and just junk going on in life...I have finally decided what city college I will attend next year and I have started to get myself settled there, my room is finally unpacked and things are gonna get back to normal...

Now with some divine help... Perhaps I will be able to find a job *crosses fingers*

Did You Miss Me???

2006-05-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

So its been a few days since i posted... But we have been so caught up in moving and there has been so much unexpected bullshit that we still havent gotten everything straightened out...

So this weekend was spent shuttling stuff over via the car, and of course the ever important moving trips to IKEA and Target... Not to mention Packing...

So come Monday morning we were in positive spirits expecting a smooth move... Till 7:30 am when the phone rings... and its STBE telling us the movers arent at his place yet and he cant get through to the company... Yeah Yeah YEah... I know only a half hour late... But this also happened to be the day of the 300,000 person immigration march. As our luck would have it our flipping movers walked off the job... so we ended up getting a u-haul (insert lesbian joke here) and doing it ourselves... Loading it twice and unloading twice...

However it was declared somewhere around 1 that i am as usefull as a pet rock... Though by the end of the day i was upgraded to Gerbil... LOL

Really the last few days have been spent in constant motion trying to create a home out of our stack of boxes. But on the plus side i adore the neighborhood... Its Urban and hip... yet still like an actual neighborhood (we have GRASS!!!!).

At the moment i am just grazing over so much but I dont have the energy or the time to write all i want to at the moment... As always i am expected to be somewhere else in 20 minutes... This time class... Luckily only one more week and then finals are done... Thank GOD!

Just Some Rambling

2006-04-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well I promised to fess up to which were past and present addictions and I added to yesterdays post below. Just a short entry today cause there is a lot going on around here... Stinky has a bad cold and has been home from school for the last two days and we are all getting ready to move on Monday.

I am super excited about the move. Not just cause we will have more space, and i will finally have my own room... (and its PURPLE!!!) but also because the neighborhood is super cute and it has a ton of personality...

So over the next few days its going to be nothing but insanity. Hope everyone has a great weekend...

2006-04-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

this week... things i am or have been addicted to...

1- smoking Present
2- blog surfing Present
3- cutting (from 14-20)
4- meth (almost 3 years clean)
5- dawsons creek If i could be i would....
6- beef jerky ALWAYS
7- a girl named Megan not anymore
8- FTMs this is a weakness... and an addiction..
9- Energy drinks OH MY GOD YES
10- Having my photo taken I will admit it i am a photo whore
11- Diet Pills when i was 16 till about 18
12- Lip Gloss Love it...
13- Drag Kings total Drag Addict

Now I suppose the real question is which is past and which is current??? any guesses???? I'll post the answers tomorrow

THE CHART....

2006-04-26T11:56:00.000-07:00

Well... I might not be Alice... But i was cruising Photo Bucket and found this... Now... I know this isn't the L word... (although sometimes my writers mannerisms mimick Jennies) and I know that Shane isnt gonna pop up and cut my hair anytime soon...

But reality is... I am pretty convinced I could pull a chart like this...

Ecspecially with Gay.com butch/femme chat room...

Somehow no matter what zip code... Every lesbian i meet is only 3 degrees away from someone i know in real time... Example... me to Sunshine (minus our prior meeting) can go in several manners....

a- My arch nemisis is the girl that is crushing on Sunshines EX
b- My Stalker (in chicago) is Sunshines ex's bestfriend
c- My summer adventure has knows Sunshines roommate for 7 years.

Now perhaps with that small example of connectivity its understandable why there is so much DRAMA in the lesbian community...

But the bright side...You will always know someone at the party

Screen names

2006-04-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

Tina-cious had this up and i thouht i would steal the idea...

QUESTION: where did your screen name come from??

Like Tina i have had SEVERAL so we shall cover them all...

1- Melodie271- Hell if i know... i was in choir... i was 13 and my home room was 271....

2- AuroraKorn- This was my "nickname" from my sisters Poppy and Candy Korn

3- PrettyAsSinn- this was a line from a poem i wrote that i thought would make a awesome screen name....

4- PRESENTLY- Herjuliette22- I wanted something that would reflect my lesbianism subtly and my hopeless romantic nature as well as my prference for butch woman... thus.. this was it... also influenced by the indigo girls song romeo and Juliet...Juliette is my name in french

2006-04-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

NEW TEMPLATE!

Be patient... there are like 3 glitches i need to work out....

1- i am missing my post titles!
2- i am missing my post list
3- i know i need to redesign my graphic for better quality...

all this coming in the next couple days...

but i was sooooo excited about getting this far i had to install it!!!

Good Morning...

2006-04-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

So today just feels like one of those days with a fresh start... Its not even 10 am and i've already showered, done 2 loads of laundry, got stinky in the tub, and done a to do list for May... Feeling super productive...

Now I of all people know that i am not always the most productive. But now that i have a dayplanner i like i can start getting severly organized... beyond the level of reasonability... LOL

I've also been working on a new template for this blog... Its originally a Maystar design but i have done some revamping... And instead of hosting the existing image i designed my own header... I am super excited to get it up and once i figure out a few little things (teaching myself all of this) I will totally install it for you all... So keep your eyes open cause we got something Beautiful heading your way!

Too Much Drama....

2006-04-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post cause i have to get some stuff done so i can get out of here... Last night was almost a total blast till Slinkster ended up so drunk he was puking and the princess had to get him home... I was good... Only a couple drinks and NO BLUE LIQUOR...

Today i am heading to a BBQ at my ex's best friends house cause she misses me... the friend that is... not the ex.

So anyhow...I'll blog more tomorrow...

2006-04-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Todays Thursday Thirteen... We are gonna play with the i pod... 13 random songs from shuffle... and why they are important to me...

1- Shawn Mullins, Lullaby: When I was 15 this cd came out and my brother had just been born. I liked the idea of the emo girl sitting in a bar, and someone telling her "everything will be alright". The idea that sad girls exist and don't just fade away.

2-Goo Goo Dolls, Slide: This cd never left my cd player my senior year... Ecspecially this song.. I thought it spoke everything i felt about my first girlfriend... "i wanna wake up where you are" ecspecially cause we went through a period where we were never together cause one of us was always in the hospital, sent off to relatives, or in foster care... "And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete.... Oh hey put your arms around me what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."

3-Lindsey Lohan, Take Me Away- well sometimes I wanna just be an angry punkish girl... but i dont have the guts to go hardcore... Its fun pre-party music though...

4-Hole, Celebirty Skin- God i dont even know where to start with this song... I heard this the night i lost my virginity... the first time i used Meth... a million times at my favorite club performed by my favorite drag queen... This song... Best ever.... Cruising in the sunfire with my sister Bethy.... Trying to pretend we were cooler than the two kids from the suburbs should be.

5-Biff Naked, Stolen Sidewalks: When i was first diagnosed as bipolar... my life was at the point of laying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours listening to this song... Her voice is so angsty and the words were exactly what i needed to feel less alone...

6-Anna Nalick, Digame: Just so pretty... I love the way Anna Nalick romances words into lyrics....

7- Paul Simon, Mother and Child Reunion: How fitting for this song to be the one with this artist... I grew up listening to this music... I was raised by a single mom... who is somewhat of a hippie... and this is what i grew up dancing to around the house... Love for him is something my mom gave me... and i always remember what an incredible woman she is when i hear this...

8-Daddy Yankee, Culo: Reggaeton... Its the funnest to dance to and the latina women are stunning... I love the combination of the spanish dancing with the club dancing i've always known... Brings passion to the dance floor

9-Ja Rule and J lo, I'm Real: I don't know... I love to dance to it and sing with it... "and when i'm feeling sexxy who's gonna comfort me"

10-Jessica Andrews, Rosemary's Grand Daughter: I remember the first time i heard this song... I wasnt in to country just yet but all of a sudden there was this song about being just who i am... and loving it... and i embraced it... (and its fun to sing)

11-Jodee Messina, Burn: This song just inspires me... constant reminder to do whatever i choose... As long as i burn with passion for what i am doing... cause life is too short to not love every moment.

12-Brad Paisley, Little Moments: This song is a new addition... Darling played it for me the other night and since then it never ever fails to make me smile... and think about what a love like that would really be like..

13-Kid Rock, Follow Me- My J's song... I love that girl... This song... its all about friendship... and cruising in speedy....

Modge Podge Post.

2006-04-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

So today has been a huge struggle trying to figure out what to blog about today. It has been suggested that I blog about adults owning stuffed animals. This does indeed crack me up... Cause I am guilty as well. My bed is covered with tons of girly pharaphenilia (hell I was just describing the chaos to Darling (formally known as sunshine) last night)... I currently sleep with a large carebear, a stuffed white elephant, a teddy bear, a build-a-bear, a pink stuffed stitch (from lilo and stitch) and a regular stitch that I have had since I first got sober. Not to mention my favorite pillow and my quilt from rehab.

Now why? I am 23 do I really need to sleep with all this silly stuff???? Well.. First I would like to say that I don't when I'm sleeping with someone... But the rest of the time I think its one of two options...

A) to convince myself I am not actually alone in bed... I mean really with all that crap its an easy mistake to make
OR
2) Cause they are all objects of emotional attachment and make me feel secure...

On another note... Today I was bombarded by "survivors" guilt... While chatting with friends I learned some of what is going on in my ex's life... And I feel guilty... Cause I'm doing great... Even with my struggles. Cause I have a girlfriend that adores me and isn't dating half of the FTMs in Chicago. Cause I have friends that adore and support me. Cause I am finally actually content with my life. Yet I don't understand why I feel guilty when for so long Chris wished me such ill will... I mean in reality perhaps this is just Karma coming into play.

tomorrow night there is a bar adventure set up with Slinkster... More Salsa Dancing... And hopefully less blue liquor... Its been awhile since I've been out so lets review the cast of characters (many which have never been mentioned here)

Slinkster- My favorite boy in the whole wide world... There is no one I would rather dance all night with! (other than Darling of course)

The leprechaun- He's not Irish but he is this little gay boy that is in LOVE with Slinkster... Which is hilarious cause Slinkster is straight

The Princess- cant keep track... One week Slinkster is in love with her and the next week he is singing songs about her being a hoe... Of course this could be a sign of vodka consumption either way.

The Gold Digger- This girl decides to sweet talk and flirt me up when ever she needs a drink... I find it hilarious... Yet never give in... I'm the one that does the flirting for drinks...

Tomorrow night should be interesting...

One last note... Check out my new blog... Put together with Darling.... Love Letters

My Heart...

2006-04-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time... I always like to start stories like that... Well interesting enough... There is a new fairy tale... One that started four years ago... I know I have mentioned Sunshine... But everyday that passes Sunshine becomes something more and more important to me.

I know that there are people that will roll their eyes and make some comment about me and another girl... But sometimes you have to date a lot of people to find someone worth holding on to...

Sunshine, she makes me smile and laugh and its like this level of comfort... No nerves... Just comfortable... I don't make any promises at this point... I'm not gonna declare her "the one" just yet... But I know that I look forward to spending time with her and learning more and more.

Feeling Pretty...

2006-04-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

First of all HAPPY EASTER... Just got home from Easter dinner with friends at Weber grill... Totally wonderful time... Sometimes I look at myself and find it slightly frightening that I am actually an adult... When I remember so clearly what it was like to be a silly teenager...

But as to the title... I was taking the El home... And there was this cute girl also waiting for the train... And I noticed her then went back to I pod land... Got on the train when it came... And was standing there waiting for my stop (which was only like 3 away) and I glance up and she flashes me this incredible smile... WOW... So at first I thought to myself... NO WAY. I look straight! She's just friendly... But then she got off the train... One stop before me. AND FLASHED ME A HUGE SMILE as she got off the train...

Now I know in reality I will never see this girl again... But it made me feel pretty... Very very pretty.

Sometimes it is the small moments that make life wonderful...

On that note... I'm off to do laundry and other unexciting stuff... Have a wonderful day and don't eat too many Jelly Beans.

2006-04-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes.... Well yeah... Enough said... Keep reading..

On the telephone line...

2006-04-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a few days... Just haven't had anything really blog worthy... And I really don't still... And I think I'm ok with that cause it means that life has been calm. Just the usual day to day stuff...

Except the last couple days the phone has been ringing...

Pickles ex called me last night... I missed her... She has always been a wonderful friend and someone I value greatly and it was amazing talking to her again...

Today Casanova called.... Completely out of the blue... And just chattered away like we had talked every day... Threw me off... I didn't expect it... I wish she would decide... Is she gonna be around or not... Instead of just randomly popping up when I am finally ok with her not being here.

I have been talking to an old old friend lately... We shall call her Sunshine... Its amazing how a little bit of time can change two people... I don't know what will happen but I enjoy talking to her and I'm excited that she is moving closer soon...

Anyhow... That's really about it... Nothing too exciting lately...

I live in a shoebox of a world

2006-04-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

so... I live in a world the size of a shoe box... My ex's "girlfriend" dated my former fuck buddy... I'm just wondering if she was planning on persuing everyone i've been involved with in chicago... cause if that is the case... I can make her a list... However... If she touches Casanova i might be forced to strangle her.... She only gets the crazzzzzzy ones...

On another note... An old friend came back into my life a few days ago... and well... old habits die hard... Soon she will be living only 3 hours away... this makes me smile...

TODAY! OMG! I almost forgot... I BOUGHT A SWIMSUIT.... and its amazing... and it only cost me 6.99....
and the best part is i did not have to go through the torturous ritual of trying on swimsuits only to reject each one and lower my self esteem again and again... I went into the store to try on one that i saw online and while they did not have that one... they did have this one (ok so its just the top but hell thats what i needed) and it ws last seasons... so it ws marked down from 44.50 to 6.99... Super amazing...

not much to say....

2006-04-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

its all swimming around in my head... and i dont know if i want to share...

Casanova... there isnt anything left to say...

Minnesota... Chicago... Its just been life... Somehow even the amusing things dont seem to have much merit...

I do however have a new blog.... Hidden Dreams its pretty simple its just a collection of my writing... though i am still collecting samples.... check it out... you might enjoy it...

Waiting to be attacked...

2006-04-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

My frustration with internet communities is mounting higher and higher everyday.... In the last 2 days that I have been home despite dealing with having laryngitis and the stomach flu... There has been "blog drama" I HOWEVER WILL BE AN ADULT AND NOT GO THROWING OUT SITE NAMES OR E-MAIL ADRESSES...

What does it matter if someone checks out someone's blog???? What does it matter if they have mutual friends???? AND WHY DID MY EX"S NEW GIRLFRIEND SUBSCRIBE TO MY MYSPACE BLOG?!?!?!?! (not that I ever blog there now that I have this but really people???)

I posted a blog on myspace... Basically saying... Bad attempt at being a web stalker.... Try reading the right blog... And then I posted this address...

I have barely "talked" to Casanova since I have been home... Perhaps the season for this moment is over... Perhaps we are both just busy... I don't know and I don't want to think about it cause then I get cranky... And I don't like being cranky... Well... Now I have said enough....

Special Shout out to Chris's new girl if your reading this... Thank you for keeping him the hell away from me!
(also new girl.... Could you leave a comment and tell me WHY you are reading my blogs??? I'm curious as hell!)

No Place Like Home

2006-04-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm back. Didja miss me???? Apparently Stinky and Casanova missed me. And now its Minnesota's turn to miss me. This was by far the best trip home in a long time... I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time... (including my middle school bully who's girlfriend is flipping HOT). Things went ok with my family... And the worst I can say about the trip is that I got a cold and developed laryngitis... Yup... I have no voice...
Highlights of the trip....
As Always.... THE AMERICAN.... All my favorite home town people in one place... Screaming to the I POD with J on the way home... Laughing with Candy all night... Although... For future reference to all the MN crew--- FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS DIAL DRUNK! especially not after being at the American for 3 hours!

New Friends: I had the wonderful joy of meeting a couple new people at least one of which will become a wonderful friend (I dub her... Twinkle). Twinkle is one of my best friends (J) new girlfriend. And I have to say after knowing her for almost 7 years now I have never ever ever seen her this happy and positive and wonderful.

I think the best part about being home was ultimately just being there... Sitting around the kitchen table... Rolling in the blazer... Cuddling with my sister and her fat cat Scooter... The same old bars... The same old faces. I missed them. I know that without a doubt Chicago is my home... But so is Minneapolis. The funny thing about this trip is a lot more of it was spent just sitting around and doing nothing. And I loved it. it was nice. I only accomplished 8 of the 13 on my Thursday thirteen... But it was a wonderful trip...

However... Not everything is meant to go smoothly! As I said before I did get a bad cold and spent part of my trip curled up on the couch watching bad movies and cuddling with a box of tissues... I also "broke" my cell phone (the mic went out) so now I have my dad's old cell phone (model is about a year and a half old) but... It works... When I get the pictures e-mailed to me from J I will post them here... Till then...

SO EXCITED!!!!!

2006-03-29T06:18:00.000-08:00

So this is it! Today I'm going home! Ok I'm more excited than I should be... Cause things always get shitty really fast when I'm home... But I like to hope everytime that maybe it will be different...

On the homefront. Casanova told me yesterday that she's gonna miss me...Then ended up on the phone with me for like 2-3 hours while I ran all my errands. Yet I started thinking about it... She has no reason to miss me... We see each other every other week (try for every week but never works out) and I'll be back before then. But none the less its the thought that counts.

I am however gonna miss Stinky like a mofo while I'm gone... Though it does help my seperation anxiety that the words BLAH BLAH BLAH actually came out of his mouth last night. I asked him where he got that, and he told me one of the kids at school. In fact one of the kids that I know, and while I didn't think about it then... I wonder where that kid got it??? Perhaps disrespectful parents??? Maybe at hip hop dance class??? What is this world doing to our children???

For My Mommy

2006-03-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

So I grew up in Minnesota... I was raised by a single mother who always taught me that I could do anything I want to. She was an activist and an individual and the strongest woman I have ever met.

Now that I live in Chicago... And take care of Stinky... I realize how different my life is. I am 23. When my mom was 24 she was pregnant with me. And she was getting ready to speak at the united nations. She had organized unions and fought against the south African apartheid. I know that I am not my mom. But I look at my own life and I am in awe of her. While I too have stood up for what I believe in, I have never done it with the unending passion that my mom did.

Now my mom is an advocate for people that cant always stand up for themselves... and she still does it with unending passion and incredible strength. I wish sometimes though i could get her to be more proactive in her own life to claim what she deserves.

she deserves someone better than my stepdad.
she deserves somewhere she can be proud to call home.
she deserves to be able to sleep at night without worrying about money.

Thursday Thirteen....

2006-03-28T10:19:00.000-08:00

So I never do this... But since I'm gonna be gone... I thought I would leave you all with a list of 13 things I'm gonna do while I'm in Minneapolis...

1- the Lucys party... There used to be this awesome club that got sold and now every last Thursday they run it as Lucys the ultimate lesbian bar! So excited
2- Watch movies with Cakes
3- meet my nephew Hunter
4- go to a show with my god brother
5- See my sister Candy!!!
6- spend time with the rest of my family
7- See the drag show at the gay 90s
8- visit old teachers at my highschool
9- eat some home cooked food
10-Free Drinks at the American with the old crew
11- Dancing at the townhouse
12- meet all the new girlfriends
13- RELAX

How have I not mentioned this yet!!!!

2006-03-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

So... Tomorrow I leave Chicago to spend a week in Minneapolis, Minnesota (see right) with my friends and family... I cant believe I haven't blogged about this yet... So on that note... My blog will be regularly updated by a darling friend (with my premade posts and a little side comment on the trip from her) and if I find a computer with access in MN I will be sure to drop by and say something remarkable..

I'm not entirely sure how this trip will go... Christmas was ok... No major drama just the usual little crap... But now... Well everything has changed since I've last been home... People have broken up with long time partners and then met new people... And blah blah blah....

After living in Chicago for two years I cant help but look at that picture and think how tiny it is... But there is a whole lot of love waiting there for me.... So as of tomorrow at one... I'm on my way home....

Stupid I Pod... And thinking too much....

2006-03-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

So last night I did see Casanova... And that is all I will say about that *soft smile*. But riding the bus home at 10:30 I had my I pod blasting in my ears... And by some cruel stroke of fate ever song that it shuffled brought back memories of a girl... Or a time where there was a lot of hurt... Lets run through the track list...

Take You With Me by Melissa Etheridge (Punk Ass)

Wide Open Spaces by Dixie Chicks (the burnsville apartment)

God Bless This Broken Road by Rascal Flats (Pickle)

Bring Me To Life by Evanessence (Georgia)

Dirty Little Secret by The All American Rejects (Casanova)

One Wish by RayJ (the bastard)

here's To The Night by Eve6 (Poppy Ann)

Let Me Go by Matchbox20 (PA)

All these songs brought back such intense memories... And I realized that they are all gone... The moments, the places, the people, the time... And I am left with a life that is completely disconnected from the past I have lived. Yet the person I am in this time and place is a direct reflection of all that came before.

So what do I owe to them? How much anger is allowable? How much love is understandable? Why have I been so introspective lately...

On another note... I am supposed to go to Minnesota for a visit Wednesday... However. My entire family has influenza, so unless I find another place to stay I am going to forgo my airfare and stay home.

Though this is a much needed vacation, and my friends have some much needed hugs for me. NOT TO MENTION!!!! I found out yesterday that I have a new nephew I didn't know about!!!! One of my "sisters" who I had lost touch with found me online the other day and left me a message! So I talked to her yesterday... My nephew is 5 months old and his big sister who I haven't seen in a couple of years is 4 now!!!! They grow up so fast...

Gotta love GOOGLE

2006-03-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

So tonight after the much successful pirate party... A group of select adults (P, Cynic, "the boy next door" (tbnd) and myself) have been sitting around sipping beer and talking and just being odd birds... Tonight's adventure google images....

SOME THINGS SEARCHED
Angelina Jolie
Katherine Moening
Charlize Theron
Salma Hayek
Some hot Indian girl
"shaved"
Pregnant Woman
Michelle Rodriguez
MUSK RAT LOVE
and best... All of our names while most of these were boring and dull TBND came up with a creepy looking sex offender... In his innocence this freaked him out and cracked the rest of us up... He will never live this down...

On another note... Cynic and me discussed the ideal of "derogatory slang" and how certain groups have reclaimed these words as there own... Such as Dyke and faggot and queer... Yet other groups (the Latino and Asian communities) have kept these hateful words at bay... We mused for awhile wondering why this is...

Supposed to see Casanova tomorrow.... I hope... LOL

I saw the sign?

2006-03-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

So today I've been thinking about this summer and the path that brought me to my present location. This summer I went through a really rough break up... Her name was Chris. The point at which we broke up was no surprise... It hadn't been a relationship for a long time. Rather we cohabited and occasionally had awkward sex. However the one thing she did passionately was kick me out... And that is how I came to live with P and Stinky (the first time)...
As if by some sublime destiny there was a giant billboard right outside our patio advertising UPN's new comedy.... In giant letters it read "Everybody Hates Chris". It was there like a beacon in this time of need...It was one of those things that was so absurd that you cant make it up...
I wonder sometimes if other peoples lives take on this surreal quality or it is just me. I sit back and look over the characters of my life, Stinky, P, Slinkster, Casanova, Giggles, Pickle and PunkAss and a plethora of others that never make it into my blog tales, as I think of them I cant help but question if we are really that eclectic or if perhaps the world is just this crazy?

What do you think????

What do I say???

2006-03-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

As I write this I am sitting on the phone with Casanova... She is watching porn... I have spent the day at the state ID place waiting to get my address changed... Ummmm its hard to write about anything of consequence right now... Not to mention there isn't much to write about...

Lately Casanova and I have begun to actually talk rather than just text message all day... She makes me laugh... I wish I knew what to say about this... I wish I had some sort of enlightenment but for now I am just enjoying her for all she is...

On another note... I have a date tonight with Giggles...

I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about these two girls in the way that I do... But I do... Fact is I am 23.. I'm young... Why do I feel the pressure to rush into something and settle down with just one person...

Casanova and Giggles are two totally different people... And they both make me laugh and smile. I don't know....

Any thoughts....

Casanova

2006-03-22T12:37:00.000-08:00

When twilight merely remains.
and amber eyes glisten
like secrets in the shadows.
I'll be your ommission.
a lover at midnight
security come dawn
but simply me in the light.

Destiny???

2006-03-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I posted on Craigslist in the women seeking women section... It was a piece of prose I had written about all the women that have hurt me (read it here)... I was shocked that I actually received responses! More specifically a response from this one girl who we are gonna call Giggles... See I had been talking to Giggles this summer around the same time I met Pickle... And Giggles and I always had the most profound conversations... But lets just say she's not very good at keeping in touch... So last night... We talked... And soon we are gonna go off on an adventure... To read used books, smoke too many cigarettes and muse about life over beer... Damn she is something else... I wonder if she knows I have a crush on her... LOL

So on another note... I was supposed to get together with Casanova last night but she got busy... She seems actually sorry today... But I'm a little weary... I know I should not be getting emotionally attached to this girl...

On a much more intellectual and non hormonal note... I read "The Coldest Winter Ever" yesterday... (yes yesterday I read the 500 page book cover to cover). Its this awe inspiring ghetto novel... Yeah I know.... Your thinking... Ummmmm why is she reading a ghetto novel... Well it mostly stems back to Casanova and her teacher recommending it and me wanting to check it out and getting sucked into the first 3 pages on Amazon.... But I must say... Powerful read.... Check it out if your in the mood for something different...

Monkey is To Artist As I am To Writer....

2006-03-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

Black and Magenta scrape across the empty canvas, in violent and mindless patterns. The chimpanzee sits by chewing on the paint brush and smiling an oblivious magenta grin.

This is not art.Or is it.

A young girl babbles along the keys of her computer trying to make sense of the emotions that run rampant in her mind. She sits in the glow of the screen tears staining her cheeks with a mournful expression.

This is not writing.Or is it.

Author Robert Coles has long pondered the question, "or is it", by questioning the ideal of human actuality. Coles presents the notion that every moment and idea appears differently to different individuals based on experiences and feelings.Subsequently who is to say that what the chimpanzee creates is not art? Who are we to decide what is art in the first place.In pondering this thought, I asked a friend "what keeps a chimp with a paintbrush from being an artist?" her answer was quick and concise and simple. "he does not know that he is creating art". This posed an entirely new question? How do we know he does not know he is creating art? How do we know what he is thinking or feeling? How do we define art, and is this definition the right one? How do we know what is RIGHT?

Perhaps were we to stop looking so deeply for answers we would see that sometimes its the questions that teach us more. That perhaps that silly chimp chewing on a paintbrush does know more than us. He knows to just accept the color for what it is. To create with out trying to define.

Some Kind of Wonderful.

2006-03-17T20:09:00.000-08:00

Today was a wonderful day... Here's why...

1) The girl... I don't know. But I think she might like me *silly grin* been text messaging all day... We shall see... I would love to rhapsodize about her... Tell you how beautiful she is and how I feel so comfortable with her... But at the same time I want to hold all the thoughts of her close to me, so as not to tempt fate. So as to not have to share her.

2) Subway. I had an amazing subway sandwich for lunch... With a Tab energy drink.

3) Babysat for 4 hours... Kid slept 3 and a half of them... Easy cash. Not to mention he is SUPER cute!

4) Myopic Books I seriously spent like 3 hours in the used book store... At least two of them curled up on a seventies couch with a cat names Lenny reading about the holocaust and correction officers and a forty four year old crack addict... While text messaging with the amazing girl... Something magical about curling up with all those books and an endless possibility of what you can read about... I think I found my new heaven. OH! And I bought an old favorite from highschool today for $3.50!

5) I'm gonna go take a bath right now! With candles and lavender bath salts!

She Loves Me.... She Loves Me Not???

2006-03-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

A text message conversation:
*Tell me a secret?
*I got a crush on someone.
*who?
*Uh uh thats another secret!
*No tell me!
*NO
*Y?
* Like you don't already know!
*is it me?
*I'm ignoring that last message.
*Y?
*Come on! Can you tell me you don't honestly know?
* yes. I don't know
* LIAR. LIAR. LIAR.
*why u calling me a liar?
* ARGH! its u.

Not verbatim... But close... Girls! ARGH! I feel like i'm in middle school... CIRCLE YES OR NO! so then i started thinking about why i like her (that and she asked). And i came to the conclusion that it isnt the physical stuff... Its the respect. and the comfort level. and that she listens to me when i talk. though those amazing eyes and soft skin help matters out. Really what i adore is her. Hmmm she loves me.... she loves me not. only time will tell....

One Fish, Two Fish. Green fish, Go Fish.

2006-03-13T18:41:00.000-08:00

Well its been a few days since I posted but I've been super busy. Saturday was filled with family antics and Sunday with the South Side Irish parade. P made certain that me and Stinky were decked out in true Irish pride... The result... Stinky the lepropimp... I don't know what else to say about it... It was as always a wonderful time.

Last night I had a "date". And for the first time I realized that I am not as unjudgemental as I would like to believe. I still don't know if I am more bothered by the fact that I am guilty of this, or because I judged someone who didn't deserve it, who is in fact a remarkable person. Now I just need to sort through everything going on in my head and develop a plan of action.

So tonight. Family time. We are playing go fish.
P: Hey Stinky... You should hit me up for a seven.
*SMACK*
I cant remember the last time I laughed that hard at go fish...

So today I bought a beautiful amber ring. It was a $80 ring on super clearance... And totally stunning. But not my size so I took it to be sized. I met this amazing artist with a small jewelry repair studio. We talked and talked about jewelry, what it says about people, quality, the actual actions of making jewelry. It was nice.

I chose amber for a reason... It started out as simple tree sap... And time has made it into something precious... Time. Hopefully this ring can serve as a reminder that I just need to sit back and let time work its magic. One day at a time. No more rushing to make things happen.

This post was inevitable.

2006-03-09T22:32:00.000-08:00

Women are NUTS. I used to believe that I was a hopeless romantic. Now I'm just hopeless. I believed that someday my "Romeo" was gonna ride up and take me away where we would live happily ever after, drinking beer, raising babies and waving our pride flag.

She would always be butch and handsome and I would always wear a ton of eye liner and flip flops. There would always be nights at the bar and we would find ourselves at home in the community...

Well... You know what. **** that. I want stability. I want a degree. I want love and passion yes... But I would gladly trade all the beautiful love poems in the world if I could find a girl not on mood stabilizers.

I mean really... Is it the lesbian community or is it just my generation? My age? Society? Could someone please tell me what's wrong with women? And by women I mean the cute butchy lesbians... You know the one you always mistake for a 15 year old boy. The tattooed, beer drinking, Levi wearing, spikey haired DYKES.

Recently I was completely disrespected by a butch lesbian that was pursuing my affections. This discomforted me more than the lewd comments and stares I receive from men everyday. Cause she is a woman (albeit a very masculine woman but none the less). She has ovaries, and a uterus, she knows what cramps are and the horrors of tampons. And yet she still chose to disrespect me based on my feminine identification. I felt VIOLATED.

It is a sad day when a woman can not be safe and respected even amongst other women. And I know it has always been sad like that. But I was naive. I thought perhaps we were better than that.

THANKS!!!!!!!

2006-03-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! Just a short little post before I head off to class! (yes that means some sociological rambling later) But for now I just wanted to thank everyone! LESS THAN 20 HITS AWAY FROM 1000 VIEWS! SCORE! My friends laugh at me cause I am so loyal to my blog. Cause I see everything in life as "blog fodder". But I am glad that you all keep coming back and thanks so much for the comments and supports...

But now I need to go find a sock to match the one on my foot already. (ok truthfully.... I don't care if it matches as long as it is close, meaning same color, roughly same style. Does that make me weird?????)

OH! and a Special thanks to both BLOG MAD and Blog Explosion and of course THE THINKER and P for their help and guidance....

Damn you woulda think i just won an oscar or something... I wonder if they are chocolate filled?

Chicago is Going Green...

2006-03-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

And its not for Earth Day. St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner and this will be the first since I turned 21 two years ago that I can celebrate in true Irish style. And what better place to do so than in Chicago???? A city notorious for over doing everything. As always the festivities include dyeing the river green, the parade and lots and lots of beer... And I for one plan to be at the parade drinking beer like every other individual with even a smattering of Irish Heritage.

Now see I'm super excited for this year cause last year was a flop! It was my first St.Pattys day in Chicago and I was dating someone who was more Irish than me. So we went off to the parade... WITH HER MOM... AND NO BEER. And lawn chairs. And blankets. And NO BEER. And she fell asleep in the middle of the parade... And it sucked...

This year shalll be done right.
So on another note... My mouth is killing me. My wisdom tooth is a stubborn little bastard... And wants to come in yet again. It does not understand that there is NO room for it and it also doesn't understand that I don't have dental insurance...

This does worry me some, cause well this tooth does this all the time. However what if this is the time that it doesn't stop TRYING to come in (like its brother on the left side of my mouth did one thanksgiving) and I end up having to get it removed? How is that gonna go over? How am I gonna be able to afford that? Not to mention the hellish recovery I went through last time.

So since starting this blog I have not been nearly the shopping fanatic that I am usually. But a super bargain the other day does bear mentioning here. I found this spring/summer dress in a pretty black and green print, its a Nine West design. Original price tag: $129.00, Marked to original clearance: $83, The Rack's Price: $63, Clearance sticker: 75% off.... My price $17.41.... I am such a rock star.

YOU GET NOTHING!

2006-03-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

So I went to write a blog about the coming festivities here in Chicago... Even found pictures... But Blogger wont let me upload them.... So you get nothing. On a new page... I am supposed to be writing a story for my creative writing class...

So far... Its like a paragraph. Though I do have a great concept... Characters Claire and Goldy. A little west side story plot idea... But in all honesty perhaps I will just follow them around and see where they take me...

So now I sit here in the dark... Waiting to get in the zone... Moody music on my I pod and a pensive look on my face... Is this enough to create something remarkable???

CONFESSION

2006-03-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

I AM A GEEK

So yesterday was an interesting day. And it all leads back to me being a geek. Start the morning out with a fun trip to Bitty Basketball to watch Stinky become the next Lebron James (shout out to Today In Sports), well... Athletic time with a group of 4-6 year olds is ALWAYS a crack up. ALWAYS. This week was time to hand out birthday party invitations cause Stinky's party is coming up... And subsequently this involves small talk with parents. So me and P are sitting there chatting with one mom... She seems a little alarmed by our reading selections... P=serial killers. ME= Smashed (a memoir of drunken girlhood) Then randomly out of NOWHERE she turns to me and says... The coach is CUTE, maybe you should date him, i hear he's single. WTF! Scroll up and you will be reminded about the problem with this... I AM THE LESBIAN NANNY!

Hour later... Sitting in the kids hair salon.... Watching this woman with a one year old girl (super cute) swoon over her daughters first hair cut, she was like 6 months pregnant... And barbie... The woman and child had matching UGG boots and cracked me the hell up... I looked at this high maintenance woman and wondered if perhaps this is what is wrong with the world today or maybe there is just something wrong with me???

Hour later... Driving in shitty traffic the following conversation is heard when P brakes to avoid hitting the moron that swerved infront of us.

P: FUCKING IDIOT
ME: whoa... Language.
Stinky: You said Idiot Mommy.

WHAT THE HELL!

Enter Joann Fabrics: and my brilliant plan to learn to Crotchet... LOL.... This is not going so well... But I will update you as it develops for flops... Whichever....

Well Stinky wants to play on the computer. And I want a nap. So till later.

Word up dawg....

2006-03-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

So today I was headed off to work at the call center... I was standing at the bus stop in the heart of downtown and there was this group of boys between 12 and 14, all Latino... They were sitting there showing each other how to form the hand signal for a common gang. This cracked me up....

I know WHY!?!?!?!

a- cause they looked like an Eddie Bauer ad! All proper. Not your street "thugs".
b- cause they thought they were so cool cause they knew how to "throw" this gang sign... I learned how to "throw" the same sign when I was about there age... 10 years ago.... In the suburbia of Minnesota

So. Next thought.

Attraction-

There are people in this world I'm not supposed to be attracted to. Simply cause our worlds clash. Because people will judge me based on my association with them. Maybe I am young and naive... But I think that's bullshit. So what if someone is punk, or thug, or prep, or jock. The fact remains that they are human. And further that people aren't jars... So why label them. I understand these labels tend to match their outward form of expression, but is it so foreign to understand that there is more to a person that that???

Maybe she's a thug.
Maybe he's a punk.
and maybe there are just as tired of being seen that way as I am of being seen as a smart white girl.

Feverish

2006-03-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

So... Its been a few days since I updated. Monday was a little "busy" and then Tuesday I came down with the flu... Still have the flu... I've been thinking a lot about what to blog about... Even got a request for "the dirt" on the club. But no... I won't be releasing the dirt. SO then I thought about bloggin about what's on my mind... But no. I cant do that. I'm practicing discretion. So. What do I write about? I thought a list would be nice...

THINGS I LIKE WHEN I AM SICK

*someone stroking my hair

*aspercreme

*popsicles

*7up

*Being read kids books

*my favorite blankey

*my stuffed stitch

Well... That was pointless and rather dumb... I blame the fever...

So I like someone... And I know I shouldn't like her. And I know it wont go anywhere. But I do. I look at her sometimes and I wonder how I can possibly have thought my own life a struggle. I feel priveledged and sheltered, even though I have had a tough life. And subsequently... I want to hold her and kiss her and bring her soup when she's sick... But I wont... It will be just what it is... And that's ok...

All the world is a stage...

2006-02-26T00:18:00.000-08:00

And the drama proves it. As of tonight. I am officially no longer a club promoter. And perhaps this is for the best. But I realized something important in my little adventure as a promoter. This isn't what I want for my life. I don't want to live at the club and ingest too much blue liquor...

Everything in moderation and eventually its time to admit that adulthood is inevitable.

I wont go into what happened. But lets just say... There are people that need to learn my lessons.

I wonder why I was so attached to this job. Well no I don't. It was the lights and the music... And being someone important. Back "home" I spent so much of my life being so and so's sister, or so and so's roommate. That I never had my own identity. Here I was special.

But do I really need a dance club to be special. Do I need to be drunk and smoke a million cigarettes to feel alive?

We shall see what develops. There is some fierce loyalty in the GLBT community.

2006-02-24T17:56:00.000-08:00

So the mood lately has been a little sober around here... SO something a little lighter tonight.... "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" is quite possibly one of the most amusing pieces of literature I have had the joy of reading in a long long time. If you need something to make you laugh hysterically or at least chuckle... Totally check out this book.

On another note. Today was national TRIO day. Which means... Conference time... Which means... A bunch a highschool students that are NUTS and a handful of college students crammed onto a college campus attending workshops and speakers. Usually what I take away from this is the usual. Info on 4 year colleges, study tips, career ideas. This year, I attended a work shop called "the money bowl"... It was a lesson in "ethical dilemmas". The presenter placed 8 "dollars on the table in front of each team. He counted down and you had to snatch money. Whatever you got you kept and could use in the auction. However. At the end of every 30 second interval he would double what ever was left on the table. Well we ran a game plan as a team... Leave all the money till the last round and then snatch it, each man for themselves! Well 10 seconds into the game, the 13 year old smart ass grabbed it all... Then as the rest of the rounds went on... He babbled about how he was gonna win... And I tried to explain to him the concept of scarce resources, and cooperation, trust. Blah blah blah. Except he actually listened to me. And then told me I am smart. He was asking all sorts of questions about what its like to be in college, what I wanna be "when I grow up". It was in this moment that I realized that one of the gifts of the TRIO program was being put in the position to be a role model... Whether its to the talent search or upward bound kids or to other college student just entering the student support services.

These programs are so valuable to today's schools, the offer disabled, low income and first generation college students a chance to succeed in a environment that is both intellectually and financially challenging. Yet they are currently being threatened with extinction. God Bless George W.

Slut vs Stud

2006-02-22T12:29:00.000-08:00

So its wednesday yet again. this means i sat through sociology. This means i have something profound to blog about. Todays musing.... THE DOUBLE STANDARD.

In todays climate sex is everywhere we look. Its on TV, and in ads, in fashion, even sports to a degree. Woman are blatanly drenched in expectations to express their sexuality, I mean look at music and swimsuits. It is becoming the norm to display blatant sexuality. To be SEXUAL. However. This is fine until a woman acts on the demonstration of her sexuality outside of a committed romantic relationship.

Then she is a slut. A whore. Trashy. Definetly not wife material.

However, place said man in same boat. Society does not expect him to clad himself in overly provacitive clothing. And when he demonstrates his sexuality outside of a committed relationship he is a stud. A pimp. A player. A ladies man.

WHY?

Is it because most of society is controlled by men? such as the media and the economy and the government?

Perhaps it is a statement on the acceptibility of the demonstration of male agression?

There is no denying that we have a vibrant service industry geared towards the sexual gratification of men. No city in america can claim to have NO PROSTITUTION. While this industry is still seen as immoral in the eyes of america, all too often in the critisim we are not belittling the men that utilize the services, but the women that provide the services.

If you look even deeper as we climb up the class system the sex workers change from hookers to call girls to escorts. The richer the patron the less hostile societys reaction to them becomes. Afterall. Men who use escorts are successful, they have "needs" but very little time to persue a romantic relationship, afterall they are the corner stones of our economy, our government, our country.

However. I am a woman who works hard, attends school, and presently is not "looking" for romantic attachements. Why am i not afforded the same understanding were i to seek having my "needs" met? Now i am in no way saying i am gonna become a customer of the sex industry. But i would like to know that i can find a no strings encounter with out being judged, with out knowing that if my activities weren't on the "down low" I would be labeled a Slut, despite the fact that i am a smart, attractive, ambitious woman.

just some food for thought.

*****disclaimer: i am not persuing a NSA encounter, just musing*******

One of those golden days

2006-02-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those rare beautiful instances where everything starts to fall together perfectly. It was one of those days where I felt like a princess, Albert Einstein and a rockstar all at once...

For starters it is the 21st... RENT (the movie) was released on DVD, and instead of being broke, as I assumed I would be when I heard of the release, I was schealuded to participate in a focus group which was gonna pay $75 dollars... So I get up and get dressed... And throw on some clothes.... Take a bus... Get there fill out some forms... Eat a turkey sandwich... Text message with an extremely cute girl... And then POOF they call in the group... Except ME! Ok... Initially I was tripping a little... I mean... What no money?!?!?!?! But. Then the lady comes to explain to me that they always over schelude people and that I needed to wait ten minutes and if they were happy with the rest of the group I would be paid and free to go... Summary... I got paid $75 dollars to text message and eat a turkey sandwich.

I then proceeded to Borders to purchase RENT! Oh my god!!!!!!!! I can watch it everyday for the rest of my life!!!

Enter Stinky- I picked him up super early and we came home... He was SOOOOOO GOOD! We ate dinner together, and talked, and played computer games and did home work. After home work he looked at me and said "thank you my sweetheart". We had a couple rough spots where he was caught lieing or doing something he shouldn't but both times he accepted the punishments (one a time out and the other extra homework).

All in all it has been one of those blissfully amazing days. I hope I'm not disappointing you with the lack of chaos and angst in my life.

Though I was forced to speculate on how all these small simple things are so amazing today cause they were all clumped together. How often do we as people overlook the minor miracles in our life cause it was just one small thing that went right in the rest of the chaos? More importantly why do we have to treat the chaos as something bad... Perhaps we make mountains out of molehills. Perhaps life doesn't have to be so tiresome afterall.

"He smells like a wet goat"

2006-02-20T19:12:00.000-08:00

A special shout out tonight to all the presidents of the past. Were it not for you today would have no been Presidents Day. Presidents Day means NO SCHOOL.

So yeah I thought that was gonna be hellish... Stinky home all day and then add his two best friends to the equation PLUS the dinosaur museum... But actually it was an amazing day... Today was a reminder of how wonderful kids are. I would like this time to share a few moments with you-

(said to me about Stinky)- "He smells like a wet goat." - Lil L (age 5) (how do you NOT laugh at that statement)

Walking to the bus stop practicing dinosaur roars the three boys made a tourist jump from shock as they imitated a "sky back" (pterodactyl), a T-Rex and a Brontosaurus.

At one point I had two 5 year olds and a 6 year old protect me from GIANT bugs (so they were robots but hey still scary) LOL

SO on another note about my interesting day... The following occurred on my last survey of the night at work.

Caller: Do you share this information with the government?
ME: no Ma'am I don't believe we do.
Caller: good... Cause they are watching me, ever since I ended up on a mailing list to impeach Bush. They re watching you too.
ME: Well... I'll keep that in mind... Um.... Thank you for your time tonight.

This appeared to be a TOTALLY sane person before that conversation... Also she claims to live on one of the most swanky streets in Chicago, but makes less than $30,000..... hmmmm

So I leave you all with this.... THEY ARE WATCHING YOU!

Not Sure.

2006-02-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

So i'm not sure what this will end up being about all i know is that i no longer want distrust to be my top post.

i moved to chicago almost 2 years ago. for what i thought to be a meaningful relationship...

well lets just say that in the end the only thing meaningful about it was Chicago. I subsequently look at my relationship follys. And i think of Punk Ass

Our story in remarkable simply in the fact that you cant make shit like that up.

She is the one that i threw shoes at. We screamed. We made many stupid decisions. We danced like only lovers can. and We Dreamed...

I met Punk Ass online. and in the true spirit of the insane bohemia i was living in at the time she came to minnesota in the drop of a hat. It was only after she was here that we realized we had HARD core been checking each other out at the bar when she used to live here with her ex (prior to our relationship she was reffered to by me and my sister as Visor Girl)

Punk Ass... We have never been far apart since we broke up. No matter how many miles and hours between us.

Punk Ass is one of the few things i actually do regret. But not her... Never her. But the actions. The situation. I look at her and i see what could have been my future, had i been a little smarter, a little more ok, a little less bohemian and not my sisters sister.

But you live and you learn. And some point soon. I will board a plane, and i will be holding Punk Ass's hand again. even if only for the moment...

On that note- A special shout out to Punk Ass- 10 of cups.

Distrust.

2006-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

So. Today is a change. I don't feel much like blogging about the funny things. and thats ok. Cause this is my space.

Today is one of those days where i realize that there are so many levels of me that at times with out actually knowing me, this is tough to comprehend.

I found out something very heartbreaking last night. I found out that someone that i care for deeply has been lieing to me to protect me. or perhaps to protect herself. Either way. when i learned the truth it hurt so desperately.

See my ex has a new girlfriend... I should be happy right? no. we broke upunder the pretenses that she loved me but needed to work on herself. couldn't be in a relationship. Yet here we are 2 and a half months later.

I am angry. Infuriated. I have removed her entirely from my life.

Besides hating the thought of her with someone else, actually probably more than that, i am plaugued by the idea of WHATS WRONG WITH ME? What does this girl have that i dont? Did all the late nights and hand holding and being there for you mean NOTHING? Was it all a lie?

yes not every part of me is cool and confident. I too am human.

and today I hurt.

Please understand that this is not up for dicussion. I am ignoring the fact. Except in my own dark little space.

BEHOLD THE POWER OF:

2006-02-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

THE JUNK DRAWER... Tonight Stinky was adamant about wanting to go out with his Mom although it was an adult work related function. Poor kid is going through separation anxiety which is incredibly normal. So to distract him his mom pulls open the junk drawer and pulls out the following in an effort to distract him.

*shamu stickers
*a hot wheels car
*a calculator that flips itself open
*an old cell phone
*sparkly earrings
* "a toothbrush for your finger" (a brush up)
*more stickers embellished with Stinky's name

And this actually took us from tears to giggles. Its so easy to be a kid. I wish that when I was stressed out I could just open a drawer full of junk, find something amusing and POOF the world would be awesome!

Socialization of the Hippie child.

2006-02-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

This semester I am taking marriages and family's, aka Soc 102. I swear I'm being taught my mr.rogers father. Its that bad comedy's. But like any sociology class it inspires me. Today we were discussing the theories of socialization.

Now I'm not quite sure if its my teacher or reality but they all seemed to revolve around the idea of proper gender roles being the main force in socialization. I mean take the social learning theory (defined by my teacher as: children learn their gender role as taught by parents, school and media).

Well perhaps I grew up in a very different household then most. See my mom didn't educate me in the ideas of gender roles. She educated me in the idea of fairness, and the joy of learning, and to be confident and work hard. She taught me that I can be anything I want to be.

I didn't grow up thinking girls played with dolls and boys played with trucks.. I grew up playing with my trucks and my dolls. My dresses weren't all pink and frilly and I wore blue and plaid just as often as pink.

I knew songs like "free to be you" and me and "Williams doll"

Somewhere along the way, hippies started raising children folks. And adults like me are the results. Free thinking, educated, compassionate, opinionated, eclectic people.

The world is about to change.

To the office ladies. (and a short rant about the date)

2006-02-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

So I know you all sit there... And actually read my blog which is odd.... So little miss blonde office lady (formely known as KHFW) this post is for you.

While talking with the other office lady on google talk (P) I got quizzed on who is my muse, who is punkass, we know who pickle is....

Blah Blah Blah... You chicks crack me up. I can picture you sitting there. Behind your SUPER tall desk and devouring my blog. Like ME the lesbian nanny actually has something interesting to say. Something that you haven't already heard. Well anyhow... I appreciate the readership... And I will try my damnedest to keep you two entertained so that Uncle thinks your working super hard...

Now.... Its Valentines Day.
I hate Valentines Day. Even when I'm not single... I hate valentines day. Lets review what has come of valentines days past
*my ex gave me a neon Pucker bar sign... I made her a valentine out of lego's and actually sat through a timberwolves basketball game. We vowed that we would not end up at the bar dancing and talking to all our friends ignoring each other. But alas... By 11pm we were on the stage.
*I was preparing to move across country for this girl... I spent $75 on a bus ticket and 8 horrible hours on the bus to be with her for valentines day. And I got a carebear and some black nail polish. Hell we were still together the next valentines day and I cant for the life of me tell you what she got me. Chances are it was jellybeans and a card. BAH
*The rest of them have been spent alone.... Which after reviewing my coupled valentines days... I think I was better off alone. Truly.

This year I have a hot date with Stinky. We are going to McD's and then we are going to finish putting together his lego toy. Nothing says I love you like his smile. Yeah he is definitely the best valentine a girl could ask for! (and I don't even have to shave my legs!)

Muses.

2006-02-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

So today I finished my story for my creative writing class... Have had writers block all week, but it was due at midnight so I finally got down and wrote my heart out. (finished at 11:46) but it is amazing. Now we shall see what my class thinks.

A special shout out today to my muse... With out you "unexpected" wouldn't have been possible.

On the muse note...
I have been dubbed a muse. Which got me to thinking about how I impact the world. I started thinking that perhaps someday my artist will be famous. And the images that I have inspired will hang in the finest museums and people will ponder them and I will be like the Mona Lisa.

and then I realized that I make a huge difference in the world.

I bring a kid smiles everyday
I take care of so many people emotionally
I smile at random people
I live as a good person

Yet so often I feel so invisible. I recently had a talk with a friend, about how I felt like I was so alone regardless of being surrounded by people... Cause the ones that I support are blind to my needs and I just struggle through on my own. And this friend... Listened... Then 20 minutes later I was listening to her tell me all about why she wants to kill herself (and they weren't good reasons).... And poof suddenly it was back to the old patterns... Poor you... Please let me make it all better.

I understand that I am a remarkable person. And Strong beyond belief. I just wished that certain people would understand that I am not always strong. I spoke with PunkAss today. And she asked why I will always love her. And its really quite simple. She has seen me at my best. And my worst. Yet regardless she loves me wholly and unconditionally and expects me only to be me. And this is such a relief. Cause I know that strong or weak. Someone will always be there.

143 PunkAss.

so thinking today. About all the good I bring. Has made me feel a little more valuable in this big scarey world we live in.

May all of you out there find your value in those hidden places... And remember life isn't always totally daunting.

Hello my name is Lola and I'm calling from the survey center click

2006-02-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

So anyhow... My name isn't Lola but I do work for the survey center. And I call people... The speil goes something like this... Blah blah blah calling from the survey center, I promise you I'm not selling anything, I am actually doing a brief opinion study of food shopping. Are you one of the main food shoppers in the house?

Now... This survey takes less than 5 minutes. I am really not trying to sell anything. And face it people... I need to make a living like everyone else, and as a poor college student...This is how I do it. I am stunned by the rude responses... And today I will share some of them with you.

"I'm not interested" - What are you not interested in??? Cause judging by Americas obesity rate I doubt your referring to food. I didn't really need your interest cause I'm not offering you anything. I asked if you were one of the main food shoppers...

"We are on the do not call list"- READ THE FINE PRINT and LISTEN... That list only applies to telemarketers... I am a market research company.

"I don't have time for this"(while hearing something mundane and insanely loud in the back ground like a golden girls rerun)- COME ON! What else do you have to so??? Sophia is always old and Blanch is always horny!

"NO"- They just say No. I ask if they are available. NO. I am a human being too! You can talk to me like one...

Now I do understand that to most people I am simply a telemarketer... But try to understand that people like me need jobs... And if we didn't work in a world where everyone is underemployed then perhaps I could find a less shitty job... But none the less... By you doing the survey and keeping me employed you are contributing to the economy cause trust me its not like I get to SAVE that paycheck...

Also keep in mind....
IF YOU ARE RUDE WHEN ASKING TO BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST... We put you on call back...
IF YOU HANG UP ON US..... We put you on call back.
IF YOU ARE RUDE TO US..... We put you on call back.

Get my point... Now try to be nicer to all of the Lola's that call you.

"A Hundred Years Ago"

2006-02-11T06:46:00.000-08:00

So this morning Stinky says to me "we had this kool aid like a hundred years ago at school"... He is 5. How long ago was a hundred years when you are 5? Stinky is the most interesting child I know, he is a nudist and clingy and potentially a future homosexual of america (he is way too obsessed with his ass). He has a passion for things such as mcdonalds toys, yogurt and cartoons.

So yesterday he went to see The Incredibles On Ice (broughts to you by disney pixar) so as an after effect he has decided that the incredibles need his help.... They will be coming to get him soon. If they do I wonder if i can file for unemployment?

We have this bulldog... It is the dog from hell... Sweet and darling he is... A one year old bulldog is not what this family needs. excluding the cat we are all fairly high strung. So awhile back Queen P approached the idea that perhaps the dog would be happier in another home... Stinky acted as if this were the most injust proposition ever "Mommy we are family" he said over and over...

This morning said dog was licking him so he wanted me to put him outside! Wouldn't it be nice if we could do this with all annoying family members?? Just a thought. Enjoy your Saturday.

*** as i post this**** I quote "I farted in your bed Mommy".... Damn I love this kid!

Reasons Not to Drink Blue Cocktails.... And other stuff that's roaming in my head....

2006-02-10T11:30:00.000-08:00

So this text is the same color as the drinks I was drinking last night... By the end of the night I was soaked in sweat and making out with this girl at the bus stop... Now... I'm not entirely sure how it happened... But I think it involved the words... Hey you. Lets make out. IT WAS HOT... Hands in hair, soft tongues, that desperate search for bare skin... And somewhere in this exchange I managed to obtain her name, school and major, hometown (also a Midwest girl) and her phone number... So now... I will sit here and wait to see if blondey calls... Cause damn I wanna kiss her again...

So while all this is happening poor Slinkster some how ended up making out with a gay man... He's straight... LOL

Speaking of Slinkster... He got QUITE the shock last night... He got the joy of meeting Stinky in his usual glory.... And by glory I mean minus the pants shaking his chubby little booty! I think that if it weren't for the vodka and red bull Slinkster might not have been able to handle this... OH! Once again Queen P has been dubbed a MILF! Now she needs to drop the act and admit it herself!

So last night I was holed up in the bathroom getting pretty and I had an epiphany (I was stewing over ms.19's girlfriend)... I am not a small chick... But I am amazingly attractive... So I started thinking about the girls I see out at the club... The ones that get all the attention... And its not that they are so beautiful... Its that they have the body to be considered beautiful without actually being aesthetically pleasing. The fact of the matter is that skinny girls that are mediocre in attractiveness claim they are hotter than the hot bigger girls... When in reality if they were to gain 100 pounds they would look like dilapidated cabbage patches... There is something to be said for genuine beauty.

Anywho. Last night while drinking beer with Queen P. We began discussing her future wedding... And how she is gonna have a problem... Kurt Henrich's Future Wife (KHFW) and me will not look good in the same colors... After much discussion she said we could wear whatever we wanted... I VOTED BLACK! She concurred.... Queen P will also wear black to this event.

A Special Shout Out

2006-02-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

So tonight thanks to a wonderful fellow blogger I got a blog roll!!!!!!! Thanks to The Thinker! Check out his hilarious ramblings http://www.atableforone.blogspot.com
or his incredible photos http://www.chicagosunsets.blogspot.com
OR for all you dykey dykes and guys check out http:///www.todayssportsbeat.blogspot.com and for all you freaks that don't fit into the rest of that http://www.ulooklost.blogspot.com

The are all brought to you by my Thursday night savior...

On a side note... I'm on my way out to the club... Hopefully Ms.19 and her illiterate girlfriend stay out of my way.

And you care WHY?

2006-02-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

So today i was chilling out surfing blogs on blogexplosion and all too often i would ask myself... Why do people blog about this crap. then it occured to me... I'm doing the same thing... So then I had to ask myself-- Self why do you enjoy reading this stuff so much. Basicly... I'm a voyeur. I life vicariously through other people... I use to to judge my own life and see that perhaps its not that crazy. The pure thrill of being able to put my thoughts out here and speak my mind and rhapsidize and dream and write miles and miles of pointless junk and to be able to do all that anonymously. Its oddly comforting.

I would like to think that because society has become such a judgemental and competitive place that this is where I can relax. Although even in the blogging world there is judgement and competition... ie: blog explosion and battle of the blogs.

And I'm sure once I really figure out what I am doing I too will be sucked into the marketing and exploitation of my thoughts. But its still nice to know that no matter how big this blog gets... Its still essentially just me, holed up in front of the computer... and you have NO IDEA WHO I AM

What is WRONG with People????

2006-02-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

Its been an interesting day to day the least already! I was woken up at like 9 am cause my friend wanted to know why I hadn't been posting this weeks club EVERYWHERE online... And for some reason he didn't understand that I have a life outside of that bar! Then prior mentioned 19 year old sends me a text message insisting that her girlfriend knows how to spell conceited... I will give her credit she knows how to spell conceded but it would be nice if she could use the right word. Subsequently what I want to know is why do people find this stuff to be so important before noon???

But I concede (LOL).....
Tonight is thursday... that means it's me and my friend Slinksters dance night! A night to revel in Blue Cocktails and pounding music and just sweat and lose myself in the crowd... Its also a good time for me to remember that I'm single... and then get bitter and pissy.

Perhaps if I were jealous and immature and dumb I could find a girlfriend??? pehaps I should start misusing words and stealing girls cell phones while they are in the bathroom??? Or I could look at it realisticly... I'm probably better off..

Todays adventures include coffee with my friend, who also happens to be my ex, who also happens to be one of the best lovers I ever had. Although the lover stuff is well in the past, it just gets too messy and crazzy and emotional yet despite my adamant insistence that there will be NO SEXUAL RELATIONS between Pickle and myself everyone is still convinced that my afternoon will be spent in a perverse romp.

What really gets me in them saying this is that it totally taught me that i REALLY am FINALLY over Pickle. I don't want to sleep with her. I want to enjoy her company and piss and moan at her about the other stupid women in my life. I want her to go out with me so I can use her to make Ms.19 jealous. But I don't WANT her... This is major for me. In fact the only thing more major regarding Pickle would be if I could get Stinky (the kid i nanny) to stop singing "Pickle and *me* sitting in a tree Kixyggm" (he's 5 he can't spell yet).

Speaking of Stinky- Last night was tough. Queen P went out to visit a friend and this resulted in a FULL MELT DOWN. I felt so horrible and cruel and powerless sitting there watching Stinky scream. Cause it wasn't in my control to do anything other than perhaps bribe him with ice cream or cartoons. I know that the kid is going through a lot with his parents getting a divorce, and i know that he loves me and that i'm an important part of his life. and thats all good... Just sometimes i feel bad that i cant make all the boo boo's better with an incredibles band aid.

Side Note- This is blog number 2 online... The other being a cliche myspace account... This one being my dirty little secret where I can write honestly. Its starting to feel like an affair... and becoming WAY too addicting..